Five Highlights of Our Memorial Day Weekend Road Trip

We haven’t been in the car with Connor for more than 30 minutes at a stretch for two years.  He gets very bored in the car and, as a consequence, usually begins a systematic assault of our mental faculties.

If you’re thinking we just need to bring activities to occupy him in the car, then you can just shut your crusty pie hole right now.  We pack the car like we’re taking a cross-country jaunt with the Griswolds, minus the dead grandma.

We decided it was time to try again.  Mostly we decided this because they opened an In-N-Out Burger in the Dallas area a few weeks ago, and In-N-Out is the Holy Grail of burgers to someone from California.

Worth every mile driven.

.

Don’t get all judge-y on me until you’ve lived in Texas.

Anyway, we couldn’t make this trip all about a hamburger, so we also planned to visit the children’s aquarium and (sound of trumpets blaring here) Medieval Times.

If you’re not familiar with Medieval Times, it’s got several locations throughout the country.  A huge building, made to slightly resemble a castle, houses a large arena where you have dinner while watching a medieval play where knights joust on horseback to try and save the prince from some evil guys in black.  I knew the kid would love it.

Since I’m far too lazy to write a synopsis of the trip, following are the five highlights I jotted down on a scrap of paper.

.

5.  Five minutes away from home, and Connor began the “are we there yet” cycle of repetition…despite the fact that we discussed, in great detail, the length of the car ride and the things we would be doing once we arrived at our destination.

.

4.  Strategically, I asked my good friend and her family if they would like to accompany us on this adventure.  My friend’s daughter, Mady the fair maiden, is Connor’s “old lady.”  That is to say that she’s almost 3 years older, and he says he loves her.  The best part was halfway through the drive, when we stopped to use the bathroom, and the kids begged to have Connor ride in their car.  “Oh no, we couldn’t impose.”  Oh, please, we want to ride together.  “Oh, you’re sure it would be okay?  Well, if you insist.”  Apparently he stopped asking the “are we there yet” question in their car.  Hmph!

.

3.  After the first 30 minutes in the car, and having passed at least 5 highway patrolmen in that time, I promptly decided I am a city girl.  Also, a billboard on the way back solidified my disdain for the boondocks.

What rednecks with money do with their time.

.

2.  I had forgotten about the stimulating conversations that take place on these road trips.

Husband:  “Oh, an Owens Corning Factory, wonder what they make there.”

Me:  “Pollution.”

.

1.  And the number one highlight of the day, besides the burgers and Connor’s immense enjoyment of the show, was husband’s quote immediately after the show, as we drove away.

“I love pageantry and epic-type stuff.”

That right there is why I married him.  He’s got some deep thoughts, and he’s not afraid to express them.

.

.

Flat Flannery Friday #7, Back to Basics

Sometimes a girl just needs to get away, get back to nature, and get her head together.

After last week’s debacle, that’s just what Flannery did.  Our friend, Rachel, from Journeys With Autism, opened her home to Flannery for some badly needed reflection and recuperation.

Following is Rachel’s account of the visit:

Well, Flat Flannery came to our lovely little rural town of Brattleboro, VT this week, and she was the best house guest ever! She saw my husband stacking wood out in the back, and pitched right in to help! It was a miracle, really, given that she was lifting wood several hundred times her weight, so suffice it to say that I was in awe.

After that, she spent some time gamboling (yes, gamboling) in our flower garden among the budding tulips, and then we went for a very lovely hike through the woods. Flat Flannery was extremely considerate of my sensory sensitivities, and didn’t feel the need to yack at me constantly as we were walking, but entertained herself by building an amazing fort out of fallen branches and leaves, and then hiding from me there. I nearly had a panic attack when I saw she was gone, but I figured that I had other copies of Flat Flannery at home, and that I could always replace her. (I kid! I kid!)

Once I found her, we continued on, and that’s when things turned a little weird and macabre. First, Flat Flannery insisted that I take a photo of her with a former mental hospital in the background. I have no idea why she’d find a former mental hospital such a fun thing to pose in front of; perhaps it was the 1830s architecture? I decided not to probe too deeply into her motivations.

Then, we arrived at an old Brattleboro cemetery, and Flat Flannery just had to get a photo of herself standing next to a tombstone of a guy who had died in 1850. Again, I have no idea what was going through Flat Flannery’s mind on this one, and I do my best not to judge, but I have to admit that I was a bit taken aback when she asked me whether I’d known the guy under the tombstone. When I told her that no, of course I didn’t, I’m only 52, she replied that she was sorry, and that she’d sincerely thought I looked a lot older.

Given that she lives her life in two dimensions, I easily forgave her lack of perspective (heh), and it didn’t get in the way of our good time. When we got back to my house, Flat Flannery was delighted to partake in a recreation of the traditional Passover meal, and especially loved the egg matzah.  I know that she was just being polite, but I thought it was a very nice gesture nonetheless, and more than made up for that crack about my looking like I’m at least 161.

Thank you for spending time in the rurals, Flat Flannery. Hope you had a relaxing and restorative time!

Flanny sure enjoyed being spoiled by Rachel, rather than being hounded by shady hucksters trying to sully her good name.

In fact, she enjoyed it so much, she many never leave…

King for a Day

One day last week when I picked up Connor from school, he ran toward me, yelling, “I’m king for a day!!”

I was worried that his kindergarten narcissism had risen to a whole new level, but then he produced a poster board, with a note from the teacher.  Throughout the year, a child is chosen every couple of weeks to be king or queen for a day.

They take their poster board home, and they decorate it with all of their favorite things.  Then, on their designated day, they take it to school and they show it to their class and tell them all about the things and people they love most.

Finally, a project that won’t result in yelling or tears.  Yay!

Connor was eager to work on his poster board, but needed some suggestions to get him started.

“Think about your favorite things, movies, food, toys, things you like to do” I suggested.

“I LOVE pizza!!”

“Okay, that’s a start.”  So he drew a piece of pizza.  Then he wrote his name, in his favorite color, across the poster board.

We looked through the Disney movie booklet, and he cut out pictures of Wall-E and Toy Story to glue on the poster.

“Would you like me to print a picture of our family for your poster?”  Of course he does, he adores his family.  I’m sure he can’t wait to put us on his poster.

“No, no family.  I just want my stuff on it, no family.”

[sigh]

Okay, I get it.  He wants it to just be about him, and all his favorite things, not about his family.  Fine.

[nine months, little boy, nine LONG months]

Anyway, I left him to his own devices, armed with colored paper, scissors, glue, crayons and markers.  I proceeded to clean the kitchen.  After a few minutes, I came over to check on his progress.

.

The King's Masterpiece

.

Wait.  Did you see that?

What is that?  Oh, please don’t tell me…..

.

.

“Um, Connor??”

Well, it turns out he actually had something very ordinary in mind.  So I let him glue it onto the poster board, and I “enhanced” it later.  It was worth the risk of pissing him off, so I could, um, “help” him make his vision a reality.

.

.

See, it was just a giant pen- rocket!!

Whew, good thing I added the fire and those jets, huh?

And so the King told the class about his love for balloons, rockets, ice cream cones, pizza, Wall-E and Toy Story.  He did not, however, discuss his family, his dog, his fish, or the menagerie of toys strewn all over the house.

And everyone in the kingdom lived happily ever after!!

6 Years Old

Happy 6th Birthday to my little man!!!!

The day our journey began.

Flat Flannery Friday #6, The Scandal

When we last left our friend, Flat Flannery, she was soaking up some sun, and pizza grease, in Florida with our bloggy buddy, Big Daddy Autism.

But the entire time she was relaxing, she had the strange sensation of being watched.  You know that feeling?  You turn around to look, and there’s nobody there, but you still feel like there are eyes on you.

After leaving Florida, Flanny couldn’t shake the feeling.  Paranoia started creeping in and, before long, Flanny stopped leaving the house.  She was starting to feel like she was losing her mind.

Then one day, she found a large envelope lying outside her front door.  It was from…a lawyer.

When you hear the word “lawyer”, what image comes to mind?  Here’s a picture from Google images.

Every time I hear the word “lawyer” I can’t help but hear the creepy sound of Robert De Niro’s voice, calling out to Nick Nolte, as the shady lawyer in Cape Fear, “Cown-slur, COWN-SLUR!!”

Flanny opened the envelope.  It was from our “friend”, Karen, at Solodialogue.

Karen is a lawyer, and she has been busy.  Very busy.  It seems she has never been a fan of Flanny, and did not like her globetrotting ways.  She was convinced there was more to Flanny than just her fun-loving road trips.

And lawyers have minions.  You might recall reading about “Jessica and her adventures with Tootles”. 

Jessica has been conducting surveillance by following Flanny around the country.  Secretly.  And here were the photos.

What? It's just a harmless dinner date.

Hey, don't judge! It gets lonely on the road.

She just has a lot of love to give.

Um. I, uh...well...yeah, okay, that's pretty skanky.

Jessica must have installed some kind of hidden camera, otherwise she was hovering near the ceiling like a bat.

But back to Flanny….

Disgraced, shamed, she packs a bag.  Her reputation sullied, she decides to leave town and head for a “retreat”.

No, not that kind of retreat!!! This is an obviously photoshopped attempt at further slander.

.

What, that’s what all the famous people do!  Hey, it’s a legitimate disorder, this…this addiction to love.  Yeah, that’s what it is.

Flanny is headed to a secret location, to commune with nature, rest, rejuvenate, and get in touch with herself.  (don’t think sick thoughts)

In the meantime, be careful.  You never know who’s lurking in the bushes.

****************************

DISCLAIMER:  All content within this post is a figment of the author’s imagination and is purely fictional.  Characters represented may be actual people, but the actions described are a purely fictional representation.  This should in no way be construed as defamation of character, or a representation of anyone’s actual legal prowess.

(Yeah, I had to add that shit so I don’t get the crap sued out of me)

.

It’s Hater Humpday, the Grammar Edition

Sometimes a little gift falls right down from heaven and into my lap.  Not often, but once in a blue moon it happens.

Dawn, from This Side of Typical, has created a weekly theme, entitled Hater Humpday.

It’s like she’s my long lost twin.  She and I, with the whole hater thing, it’s just….I can’t even find the words in my native language, so I will just say (with a tear in my eye) that she and I are simpatico.

Te amo, Dawn, te amo.

And thus I give you, Hater Humpday.  Today I want to talk about grammar and spelling, and the errors that I hate.  I have been harboring some grievances that must be aired.  Please don’t take offense if you are guilty of any of these violations, just take these new tools and rules and implement them.  Well they aren’t really new, just new to you if you aren’t using them.

Please.

.

1.  To/Too/Two

These are three different words, used in three different circumstances.  Trust me, I’m sure.  Let’s start with “to”.

To is either a preposition, as in “I am going to the liquor store”, or it is an infinitive, when followed by a verb, as in “I am going to run at the track” (which, by the way, would never happen because I don’t like to sweat).

In contrast, too is an adverb.  Think of too as being another way of saying “also”.

Don’t write “I love vodka martinis to!”  That is incorrect, and it makes me want to set someone on fire, and I will not waste my drink by pouring it over you to put the fire out.  What you mean to say is “I love vodka martinis also” which means you would use too.

Now, two really should be obvious, but in case it isn’t, IT’S THE WRITTEN FORM OF THE NUMBER 2.

.

2.  Whose/Who’s

Who’s is a contraction for “who is.”  Who’s going to clean up the cracker crumbs you left in your bed in the middle of the night?

Whose is the possessive of who.  Whose mess is this?  Or, I know whose mess this is.  You’ll notice if, in  your mind, you say I know who is mess this is that it doesn’t make sense.  That’s when you would use the possessive version.

Please, I don’t want to see this anymore, I know whose cleaning up this mess!

.

See what you did??

3.  IRREGARDLESS

That is not a word.  Well, to be technical, it’s considered a non-standard word.  For instance, when I spell check it, it has a big red line under it.  Red is bad, people.

The correct word is regardless.  There is no “IR” on the front of that word.  When you say it or write it that way you just sound ignorant, and you make the baby Jesus cry.

.

4.  Your/You’re

It seems that most people don’t understand the difference between your and you’re because I see them misused all the time.

Now I could present a long, boring explanation involving terms like second person possessive adjective or present participles, but who’s (see how I used that?) going to remember that?

Here’s the simple rule to remember:  You’re is the contraction for you are, and if you’re able to replace the word with “you are,” you’re saying you’re. Otherwise, your only choice is your.

You’re (you are) welcome.

.

5.  Y’all

I think I hate this one most of all.  Since moving to Texas, I’ve found that people use this word all the time, and even use it in writing, such as emails.  At work.  To the boss.

There are differing views on whether this is a “legitimate” word, but all seem to agree that it’s a colloquialism that has become very common.

Perhaps I’m having trouble letting go of my native colloquialisms, such as dude and gnarly.  Although, to be fair, I never used dude or gnarly in business correspondence.

So use it if you must, but know that I die a little inside each time I see that word.  Oh, and also know that y’all has a red line under it too (too, meaning also).

.

Please help spread the word on proper spelling and grammar, so I don’t have to write any more of these tedious posts.

Then I can use my future Hater Humpdays to rant about Lindsay, Charlie and, now, Arnold.

Big Pimpin’ at Walgreens

Kindergarten is proving to be something akin to speed dating.  I’ve previously mentioned that Connor already made his first marriage proposal this year.

I’m not sure when there’s time for all this co-ed socialization, what with learning sight words and all the numbers to 100.  Yet my son seems to know every girl’s name, and some of the boys as well.

We stopped at Walgreens yesterday.  While standing in line, Connor decided to peruse the rack of cheap, gaudy jewelry near the register.  Pretty soon he comes tap dancing up to me.

Connor:  “I want to get these for Deja.  She’s my girlfriend.”

He was holding a pair of gi-normous hoop earrings.

Giiiiiirl, you look fly in them Walgreen's earrings!

.

Me:  “I think those are too big for Deja.”

Connor:  “No, she’s bigger than me, so these are fine.”

Me:  “No.  We don’t even know if she has pierced ears, and you are not buying jewelry for girls in kindergarten.  I didn’t even get jewelry for Mother’s Day.”

Connor:  “Fine!”

He settled on getting himself a stuffed puppy dog.

Me:  “So tell me about this Deja.”

Connor:  “She’s my girlfriend.  So is Mady.”

Me:  “And what about that girl you asked to marry you?”

Connor:  “Oh yeah, I forgot.  That’s 3 girlfriends.”

Me:  “What is a girlfriend?”  I like to walk on the wild side and ask the loaded questions.

Connor:  “She’s a girl, and my friend.”  That sounds pretty innocent.

Me:  “Oh, that’s it?”

Connor:  “Yeah, and we’re getting married.”

It’s a good thing kindergarten will be over in two weeks.  But I’m already starting to worry about 1st grade.  We might be moving up to cubic zirconia by then.

.

Flat Flannery Friday #5

Flat Flanny is fatigued!!  Like McConaughey, she is ready for some serious chillaxin’.

What an adventure she had in the U.K. for the Royal Wedding.   Now where to go for some R&R….

.

Party in the city where the heat is on

All night on the beach til the break of dawn

Welcome to Miami

Bienvenido a Miami

Bouncing in the club where the heat is on

All night on the beach til the break of dawn

I’m going to Miami

Welcome to Miami

.

Yes!!  Flat Flanny received a very generous invitation from Big Daddy Autism   himself to come soak up some sun in Florida.

Turns out, he doesn’t live in Miami.

He’s in some suburb Flanny never heard of.  Still, a vacation is a vacation.

It should come as no surprise that Big Daddy Autism did an exemplary job of capturing Flanny’s visit in cartoon form.

Flanny had a great time, and was very clear on one thing:  Big Daddy is the KING of chillaxin’ and eating.

The King, I say!

Oh, one more weird tidbit she mentioned:  apparently BDA has a weird thing about reading bedtime stories to his guests.

Creeeeeeepy!!

But not really surprising, because this is what he read:

But Flanny said it was a most excellent book, and she fell asleep easily every night!  So be sure to click on the book above to order your copy!

Attention Bottom Feeders

Hey you.  Yeah, YOU!

I don’t know if you’re a telemarketer, or one of those nerdy, antisocial virus-creating dregs of society.  I don’t really care either.  Whatever you are, I am on to you.

Did you really think you would beat me?  Did you?  You started calling my cell phone yesterday, and continued calling it every 5 minutes.  What is that number anyway?

777-887-0460

I call it back and get a recording.  I bet you thought you were funny.

Guess what.  You can’t beat me.  Want to know why?

Because I’m a mom.  You can’t beat a mom.  My whole life involves staying one step ahead.  In fact, I’m a mom to a spectrum kid, so my entire existence hinges on my ability to creatively problem solve at a moment’s notice.

Like on Saturday, when my kid tried to single-handedly put the supermarket sample lady out of business when he went back for his 12th Pepperoni Pizza Lean Pocket sample.  Yeah, she gave me one of those snotty “don’t you teach your kid manners?” kind of looks.

Just too good to resist.

Which is kind of funny, actually, because she’s a 50-year-old supermarket sample lady, for chrissakes.  Like she should be all Judgy Snottingpuss.

Should not judge others...

But I had craftily thought beforehand to pack candy in my purse.  Chocolate candy.  So it was quite easy to distract and coax him away from the panties-in-a-wad sample nazi.

But back to you, telemarketer/virus creator/slimeball.  See, I have an android phone, and that means there are metric fuck-tons of free apps at my disposal.

Apps to block callers and text messages.  I can even choose to block just calls, just messages, or both.

You’re on lockdown.  You are 100% blocked.  Your devious little plan was thwarted and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, so take your marbles and go home.

Next time you want to go to war with me, you better bring your A-game.

Move along now.  There’s a sample lady at the Target store you can harass.

Random Pictures

Today I don’t really have any thoughts in my head to write about, which should come as no surprise to anyone.  Sometimes, to relax, I just sit around with no thoughts, just breathing and stuff.

Since I have no thoughts today, I will post some random pictures I have taken to entertain you.  You can take a look, or ignore them, or even criticize them.  It doesn’t matter, because I don’t have any thoughts today, remember?

Ohhhh, pretty, shiny things.

These ladies live a mile from my house. They're my cow neighbors. I never had cow neighbors in Los Angeles.

Puff the magic dragon cloud.

Bad dingo dog.

Boy at the park.

Pretty flower for you.

Oh no, scary!!

Boy and his girl at the farm.

That’s all for today.  Maybe I will have some thoughts tomorrow.  Probably not though.  Maybe the next day.  For sure by Friday, when Flat Flannery visits someone we all know for some relaxation.