Words + Punctuation = Magic

A few months ago, I received an email from Lynn, from Autism Army Mom.  She and Big Daddy Autism were putting together a compilation of blogger essays, and I got the golden invitation.

And of course I say YES right away.  Because that’s what I do, I commit.  I’m a serial committer.

Can you help the PTA?  YES, yes I CAN help the PTA!!

Can you make a costume for the school holiday parade?  YES, I can!

Juggle knives?  Why yes, that’s my special talent.

Darn holey socks?  Darn, if I’m not a darner from a long family of darning fools!

Anywho, so I commit, and then the anxiety attacks start.  For two months, I pondered and I thought and I fretted.  I had no ideas, not the slightest inkling of anything to write.  The deadline crept closer, and passed.  I was forced to email Lynn and tell her I was a miserable failure.

She wasn’t really having it, and basically gave me another week and told me to get my ass in gear.  So I hastily threw something together and sent it over.

And she emailed me back and thanked me for the crap I sent.  And she said no one had written anything like it, which, of course, means it’s a sucktastic piece of crap….sort of like when you tell your child, “that’s the best macaroni art project I have ever seen!”

But she included it in this fine book she has put together.  I am in the company of some very, very fine writers (of which, I am not one, you’ve read this blog before, right?), and am so pleased to be part of this project.

So be sure to head over to Amazon and pick up your copy of Wit and Wisdom From the Parents of Special Needs Kids; Mostly True Stories of Life on the Spectrum.  My macaroni art is in there somewhere too!

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Anesthetize Me

I know there are some lucky people out there that have gone their whole life without ever having a surgical procedure.  Far from being one of those lucky, in-tact people, I have had at least five surgeries, varying from tonsillectimy to being gutted like a fish and having a human being ripped out of my body, otherwise known as cesarean section.

Anyway, although I did not have another surgery, per se, I did have a procedure under anesthesia.  Of course we all know that anesthesia is relatively safe.  How safe you ask?  Well, according to anesthesiaweb, the likelihood of dying as a result of general anesthesia is only 0.01-0.016%.  That’s pretty small.  But not small enough to stop me from becoming a fatalist freak a week before the procedure.

Me:  “If I died, would you remarry?”

Hubs:  “No way.”

Me:  “But I would want you to, eventually.  Not like, tomorrow, but someday.”

Hubs:  “Shut up, you’re not going to die.”

Me:  “Oh, I know.  Hey, have I ever shown you where the insurance policies are filed??”

Because, you just never know, right?  Right????  I mean, way freakier things have happened.

The morning of my procedure, Connor sat on the bed next to me before hubs took him to school.

Me:  “Do you know that I love you more than anything?”

Damn, that DOES look good.

Connor:  “Even more than cake?”

Me:  “Oh yes, much more than cake.  I want you to know how proud I am of you, and that I think you’re a really smart boy.”

Connor:  “Can I have some cake if I have a good day at school?”

Me:  “No.  But listen, I really want you to do your best to listen, and learn, and to respect others, okay?”

Connor:  “When will it be Xmas?  Can I have cake when it’s Xmas?”

What a tender moment.  It almost makes me well up again….

Later, at the surgery center where I was most definitely not having an actual surgery, but more of a procedure, I was in the room, all gowned up, with the IV locked and loaded.  I recently started reading the Outlander series (I know, I KNOW, I’m late…what can I say, I’ve been busy), and am near the end of the 2nd book, so I was busy ignoring my loving husband and lying there reading my book.  But then the very effeminate, ex-military, male nurse came in to tell me that the anesthesiologist was about to spike my IV and wheel me off, and hubs could wait there in the room until the procedure was over.

So we held hands a moment, looked into each other’s eyes, and as they began to wheel me out, I said “don’t lose my page in my book!”

Oh yeah, and “I love you.”

And the thought it my head was that I should try very, very hard to concentrate on these last moments before oblivion, so I could write a blog post about what my final thoughts before oblivion actually were.  So here they are, as complete as I can remember them, the final nuggets in my head before sedation:

Wow, here we go, down this loooooong hallway.

I wonder why Claire just didn’t take Jamie back in time to the future to avoid the whole Battle of Culloden?

Oh, here we are…the surgical room.

They want me to shimmy from the rollie-bed to the meat slab in a gown that’s open in the back?  There is NO way for my ass NOT to hang out.

Ohhhh, pretty lights….

My toes look awful, I really need a pedi-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Clearly, for all my pre-procedural angst, I still was not focused on thoughts of my baby boy and loving husband.  And the very moment I was supposed to be holding a visual picture of my son and husband in my mind’s eye, I was busy pondering pedicures and potential novel plot twists.

I’m just gonna go ahead and take my Mom and Wife of the Year award and blame it all on the anesthesia.

Yes, I'm JUST LIKE Sally Field. Except the hair.

Hey, it could be the reason.  You don’t know.

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Just Like a Fungus, It’s Another Meme

Memes.  They’re kind of like a fungus that slowly spreads from one person, or blog, to another.  Lizbeth, over at Four Sea Stars, has spread her nasty fungus over here, by naming me in this meme, which is called the Blog on Fire Award.  I’m not sure where the outbreak originated, but it is spreading through the blogosphere quickly.

Pass the marshmallows...

But it does say “award”, so I guess I should say thank you for honoring me with this lovely fungi award.  Thank you, Lizbeth.  Thank.  You.  I only hope I can repay this honor someday soon….

Anywho, yadda yadda, seven things about me that you could go your whole life without knowing and not care.  Ready???  GO!!!

1.  The television show that I can watch over and over again, no matter how many times I’ve seen the episodes, is MASH.  I think it’s one of the smartest, well-written shows I’ve ever seen, and I really appreciate how poignant each episode is, interspersed with sardonic humor.

2.  In general, I’m not a people-person.  Which is to say, I don’t generally like most people.  Well, annoying people.  And the stupid ones.   Or the ones that watch Glen Beck.  Or anyone backing Rick Perry (shudder).

3.  I would choose corn tortillas over flour anytime.  It’s just one more thing that alienates me here in Texas, but I can’t help that I’m a lover of the corn products.  I like it mashed into other products, popped, and on the cob.

4.  I hate cats.  I consider them the devil’s minion.  They are ungrateful, snotty, and self-absorbed.  There is room in my house for only one snotty, ungrateful and self-absorbed creature, and I’m not giving up my position for some pissy little pussy.

5.  I do genealogy because sometimes dead people are more interesting than live ones.

6.  Living my whole life in the same town feels like death to me.  I have the wanderlust.  We’ve moved several times, and it makes for a great adventure.

7.  I’m not convinced that Spam is real food.  I have never eaten it because I can’t get past the visual of the meat slithering out of the can, with that gelatin coating.  And the smell, oh god, the smell.

This can't be real food.

So, victims???

My good friend Kara, at Karacteristic!  She is super awesome, so I know she will loooooove me for this.  Right, Kara??

Brian, at Both Sides of the Coin.  Because I know he will have something interesting to say.

Guest Post – Five Things I wish I had Known

Karen, from Confessions of An Aperger’s Mom, has graciously agreed to guest post for me today.  She has two teenage boys with Asperger’s, and is a great resource since she has spent so many years raising them and teaching them skills.  Be sure to visit her blog!  Thank you, Karen!!

******************************************************************************************************

Parents of younger Aspies often reach out to me because I have teenagers and I have been through some of the things that they are currently going through. They want to know if there is hope for the future…that things will get better as they grow older and become more mature. My boys are 12 and 16…I’m still waiting for things to get better. Of course, every child is different. My 12 year old in many ways is more mature than the 16 year old. Blue(12) is maturing and becoming very independent.

Unfortunately as Red, my 16 year old has become a teen…we received the additional diagnosis, of Bi-Polar NOS and depression. Things have not become easier. He is this gigantic, immature boy who doesn’t want to listen to anything we say. He is a real puzzle that we are constantly trying to solve.

On the other hand I am a nearly perfect mom and I have no regrets about my parenting decisions up until now.  (Yeah right! LOL!) Of course, there are a few things I wish had known earlier and done differently when the boys were younger. Here are 5 of those things:

1. Just because they have a disability…don’t let them manipulate you into giving them whatever they want. You feel bad…you feel guilty because of their issues. They ask, they have a hissy fit…you give them what they want to shut them up. This will bite you in the ass when they become teenagers…and everything they want cost 100 dollars or more. Teach them early on that they need to earn what they get. If it’s not Christmas…it’s not your birthday, you have to earn it. They really love to earn things. It gives them structure and responsibility and teaches them the true value of money which they think just comes magically out of the ATM.

2. Tantrums aren’t cute when they are bigger than you!  Sometimes we are afraid of labels and psychotropic medications. It’s hard pill to swallow (pun intended). If they are having severe meltdowns when they are younger, they will not magically go away when they become teens. Puberty wreaks havoc on their bodies and their brains. Anxieties can get bigger, depression becomes more intense. They may need different or additional medications, and it may need to be adjusted several times during this period of change. I am all in favor of natural methods and therapy if they work. Getting the correct cocktail of medication is a royal pain in the ass. You can’t give up! You can curse the doctors out if you think that will help. In the end, it’s up to you to play close attention to the changes and alert the doctors about what you are
seeing. ALWAYS -FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS! The doctors don’t always know better than you!

3. Get the routine down and stick to it! Make sure they take showers, brush teeth and put on deodorant (when it becomes necessary) daily and stick to that routine. There is nothing worse than a smelly teenager walking around! They don’t pay teachers enough money to put up with the smells! You can only hope they will take this routine with them whenever they hopefully get out of your house!

4. Some of those cute little things they do when they are young may become big issues when they get to middle school and high-school. Those unsolicited hugs, and “Can I touch your hair?”, insisting that someone be your friend, pushing or touching other students. When they get to middle and high-school these things become creepy, and can border on harassment. Boundaries do not come naturally for our kids with autism and Aspergers…we have to work hard to TEACH these boundaries in conjunction with their therapist and the school psychologist. If this is an issue for your child, put in his IEP and make it a goal to change the behavior before they leave elementary school.

5. Be consistent -set house rules and expectations. Put them in black and white for all to see. Rewards and positive reinforcement is a great way to get the behaviors you want to see. That doesn’t mean that they don’t also need to have consequences for the behaviors that are unacceptable. No…you don’t punish them for having a melt-down that they can’t control. That doesn’t mean that they can’t receive negative consequences for CHOOSING not to follow the house rules. Having Aspergers doesn’t mean you don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Your mild consequences now, are better than the huge consequences that the real world will impose on them when they are not in your care…like in middle and high-school. They don’t coddle them nearly as much as they do in elementary school. Boy…I miss elementary
school.

I hate to be the one to tell you there are a lot more things you will have to think about as our Aspergers kids become
teenagers. There are so many more things that you need to know. You will have to come and follow my blog
(
http://www.confessionsofanspergersmom.blogspot.com
) to see all of the challenges that we are facing in these
teenage years. I don’t have all of the answers. I am learning as I go, continually reading, researching, and advocating for my children.

You can start getting ahead of the game by reading a guest post (
http://confessionsofanaspergersmom.blogspot.com/2011/07/10-things-by-tanya-savko.html
) from Tanya Savko of (
http://www.teenautism.com
). Tanya’s blog is also an excellent resource.

This Boy, My Ears, That Song

Oh, this boy.  This boy takes us right up to the edge of sanity and tries to delicately tip us over that edge, into the abyss.

The incessant repeating of movie and TV dialogue started a few weeks ago.  It is a persistent, relentless hum in the background.

Connor:  (speaking in a low tone) “YOU are a child’s PLAYthing.” (Toy Story)

Me:  “Please stop repeating, honey.”

Connor:  “Okay.”

30 seconds later…

Connor:  “The pet shop, where is it?  Where is the pet shop?  No, I said, where is the pet shop?” (from Upside Down Show)

Me:  “Sweetheart, you’re driving mommy crazy, please stop repeating.”

Connor:  “Okay.”

This scenario is repeated over and over, throughout the day.  He just can’t seem to stop himself.  But it’s more than that.  There is also the incessant arguing and debating.  We went out to lunch today, because there was a power outage in the neighborhood.  Since Connor has been getting up very early, and not sleeping well, we told him he would need to lay down and rest when we got home.

Connor:  “But I don’t feel like I need to rest.”

Me:  “But I feel like you do, and you are going to have some quiet time, and there will be no arguing.”

Connor:  “Okay.”

30 seconds later…

Connor:  “It sure is bright today.  I think it’s too bright to lay down and rest.”

Me:  “We’re not talking about this anymore.”

Connor:  “Okay.”

30 seconds later…

Connor:  “I sure hope the power is back on.  If the power’s not on, I don’t think I can lay down for a rest.”

Me:  “We’re not talking about this anymore.”

Connor:  “Okay.”

And on, and on, and on it went.  I’m not making this stuff up, either.  At the end of kindergarten, they have an awards ceremony where the kids get a certificate for best attendance, most helpful, yadda yadda.  Connor got a certificate too.  Want to see it???

Our little politician.

Yep, “negotiator” is a nice way of saying “most persistent, most stubborn, most argumentative little jackal that ever graced our hallways.”

This boy, this never-ending stream of repetitive questions, demands, arguments and dialogue is so very much like me, it’s maddening.  I used to have a bumper sticker on my car when I was 17 that said “Question Authority.”  Damn it, I think I’ve doomed myself.

And after a long day, when I feel like I’m just about ready to strangle him, or take off with a friend on a desperate, edge-of-sanity, Thelma and Louise road trip, it all changes.

He was sent to the bathroom to get his clothes off and turn on the bath water to get his bath ready.  I heard the singing, but paid no attention, because we live with a constant background of Connor noise.  I went in to check on his progress.  There he was, naked, filling the tub with water, and picking out bathtub toys and plopping them into the water.  He was singing:

“It’s gonna be the perfect life,

This time, we’re gonna jump up high,

I’m gonna give all my secrets away.“

I stood in the doorway, enjoying the moment, and the improvised lyrics to One Republic’s ‘Secrets’.  He turned around, with a startled and embarrassed smile.

Connor:  “What?”

Me:  “You’re adorable.”

Connor:  “It’s a love song, it’s for you.”

This boy.  I will never, ever give up fighting for this boy.

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Interpreting the Fine Art of First Grade

The subject:  Self

 

The motivation:  define self through the juxtaposition of items brought in brown paper bag.  Express identity of self on outside of paper bag.

 

"Self" identified on brown paper bag.

 

And what, pray tell, did he bring in the bag???

 

1.  A photo cube, with pictures of our family.

 

2.  Ironman figure

 

3.  Captain America figure

 

4.  Star Wars early reader book.

 

5.  Batman/Superman/Wonder Woman early reader book.

 

Conclusion:  Little man Connor aspires to be the most powerful superhero to ever rule the planet, with shoes to light his way on the darkest of nights.  He will lead great, lumbering canine beasts (with pointy ears) against the forces of evil.  And he loves his mama and daddy!

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