Screw autism. There’s something else more pressing on my mind.
Birds are dicks.
You may or may not recall reading about my immense dislike for animals of the feathered variety. Of course I’m aware that there are plenty of people that love and admire birds. We can agree to disagree on the merits of birds, but as a friend, I feel like I should pass on some valuable information so you can make an informed choice about who you align yourself with in the animal kingdom.
1. Birds are predatory – Simply put, they eat people. Oh, and they also eat rodents, sheep, and dogs. But mostly people.
2. Birds travel in packs (flocks) – They are very similar to the drug cartels or other organized crime syndicates in the way they travel together. And yes, another similarity is that they will kill their own if they piss them off.
3. Birds will lure you in with trickery – All that fancy chirping and singing and colorful, feathery decoration is just smoke and mirrors. It’s how they lure in their victims so they’re within striking distance. Do NOT be fooled.
4. Birds hate all living things that are not other birds.
5. If you have a pet bird, it is secretly waiting for a chance to kill you.
The reason I’m telling you this is because I almost fell victim to a roving gang of lawless birds. See, I normally do my grocery shopping in the early afternoon, sometime during the weekend. A couple of weeks ago I went later than usual, just before dusk. As I pulled into the grocery store parking lot, I realized I had not been to a grocery store past 3pm for at least 4 years.
Why, you ask?
Well apparently birds don’t give a shit if you put up a strip mall where their nightly nesting field used to be. See, every single stinking evening they congregate in the grocery store parking lot, wreaking havoc until dark. And I had forgotten this very important fact.
Get a load of this:
You’re literally taking your life in your hands if you grocery shop at dusk. I have no idea how I took that picture without getting an eye pecked out. That’s why the picture is blurry, I was bobbing and weaving while I took the damn thing!
But that was just the preliminary assembly of birds. They came in full force just as it was almost dark, so they could claim space in the small, ornamental trees in the grocery store parking lot. It’s how I picture Alfred Hitchcock would decorate his Xmas tree.
It’s a wonder I made it home in one piece. If we hadn’t been out of EVERYTHING, I would have skipped the shopping altogether.
But mark my words: this will NEVER happen again. My family will eat stale crackers and ketchup before I play parking lot dodge ball with 8000 vicious birds again.