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Angry Birds, Level Two

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Several of you asked what happened yesterday, after the mighty bird siege that happened over the weekend.

Dear Angry Birds:

Yesterday morning when I left for the day, with my son and the dog, I was very disappointed to see your baby bird, once again, roosting in the middle of my driveway.  I’m sure you couldn’t help but notice that we were, once again, armed with tennis rackets.  My son, being adventurous, was happy to oblige by “covering me” while I got the dog into the car.

When I arrived home after work, I was pleased to see that, sometime during the day, you sought out more appropriate accommodations for your offspring.  I did not see your baby bird in the driveway, bushes, nor on the front porch.  We really appreciate that since my husband had to carry in a 65-pound sedated dog.

Last night, after our other dog’s final trip to the “privy”, we were surprised to see her at the back door, dancing wildly and wriggling like a belly dancer on meth.  We opened the door, and there was your dead baby bird at her feet.

So…yes.  Yes, a dingo DID eat your baby.  Looks like you chose badly.

Game over.  Better luck next spring, bitches.

Warmest regards and a big FUCK YOU,

Flannery

No, there are no dead baby bird pictures.  You’re welcome.  Although hubs did ask me, when he scooped it into the Target bag, if I wanted a picture for my blog.  I acted like the idea was beneath me.  It wasn’t.  I secretly wished I had taken a picture.

Happy Springtime!

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Coping Strategies

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For months now, Disability Scoop has been running an article about Autism Moms having stress that is similar to that of combat soldiers.  Depressing!  Every time I see it I wish they would take it down.  Not that it’s a bad article.  I just don’t need the reminder about my stress level.  It’s like saying, “Hey, you’re tall!!”  Or, “Wow, you’re incredibly gorgeous.”  People don’t need to be reminded of the obvious.

Funny that they don’t mention anything about Dads and stress.  They must handle stress differently.  Maybe they de-stress by expressing themselves through the artful expression of cartooning.

Anyway, as a public service, I thought I would list nine coping strategies for autism moms.  Why only nine?  I was way too stressed to think of one more.

9.  Bad Girl’s Club – A bunch of young women, living in a house in the Hollywood Hills, drinking, clubbing, and fighting like animals.  It’s like watching a train wreck.  Pass the popcorn!

8.  Angelina Jolie - Thinking about a rich, (almost) anorexic starlet adopting kids from all over the planet, having a small herd of her own, and the inevitable ways she will fuck them up makes me feel a lot better about my life.  Someday one of them is bound to find the vial of Billy Bob’s blood, in a drawer tucked beneath her undies.  ‘Splain that, Lucy.

7.  Angry Birds – Nothing breaks the tension like flinging birds into buildings.  Virtual birds.  Even my son appreciates the gift of the birds.

6.  All things natural - Gluten-free, casein-free, sugar-free, no red dyes, low salicylate, probiotics, fish oil, magnesium…if you’re baking gluten-free cupcakes, with sugar-free frosting, and quinoa is your favorite side item, then you are channeling your energy (and stress) into “all things natural.”  Good for you!!  Of course, you probably don’t have a lot of dinner guests….

5.  Real Housewives of (insert city of preference here) –

Super-rich, enviable socialites that show off their homes and lifestyles, only to end the season by cat-fighting over ridiculous, inconsequential things…it’s like a little gift from heaven that I get to watch them and actually think, “boy, I’m glad that’s not my life.”

4.  John Stewart – A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.  John is that sugar, world news is the medicine.  ‘Nuff said.

3.  Disney – Planning a trip to Disneyland or Disney World, acquiring the coveted Fast Pass, and using the shit out of it.  Good times.  You can read the chronicle of one autism mom’s Fast Pass adventure by clicking here.

2.  Drinking – Well duh!

1.  Blogging! - Yeah baby!  There’s a whole squadron of us sharing the humor, sadness, injustices, challenges, and adventure of this life raising a child with autism.  You don’t even have to be a writer.  Find yourself a site and start pouring your thoughts from your head to the computer.  The best part is the bloggy friendships you make along the way, and knowing you’re not in this alone!

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