I know, it’s been awhile. But I’m okay, really.
I’m just tired and feeling drained, like a battery. Like the 10,000 batteries in my kid’s toys, that all go dead AT THE SAME TIME. Because I like to spend my Saturdays unscrewing teeny, tiny little screws and changing batteries in cars, walkie talkies, Buzz Lightyear, and Leapster.
But I digress. Since I am far too tired, and have to gear up for a marathon of battery changing, today I bring you another workplace IM conversation from me and Christine. You know, Christine of the crazy chicken story? That was pretty popular, so I thought I’d do it again, although I don’t think this can possibly live up to the legend of the chicken story.
(Back story: we refer to the singer, Tom Petty, as “Uncle Tom.” I don’t know why, we just do. Yes, I know we’re weird. I’m okay with it.)
Christine:
Your uncle, Tom, is so talented. I just love him. “Don’t do me like that, don’t do me like that, well I love you baby, don’t, don’t, don’t……..
Flannery:
Uncle Tom gets drunk and pisses on my houseplants every Xmas.
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Christine:
Part of his charm, really.
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Flannery:
That and his aroma of Drakkar Noir, chipped beef, and whisky.
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Christine:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
‘Drakkar Noir’
I guess it’s better than your uncle Darryl’s smell of old man and bean farts.
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Flannery:
You know what, everyone makes fun of Darryl, but ever since that lawnmower chopped off his two smallest toes on the left foot, he hasn’t been the same.
Mumbles about the “good old days” and “push mowers”
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Christine:
Yeah, he really turned his life around when he took in that Vietnamese kid. He really started dressing nicer and his hands and feet look amazing too!
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Flannery:
Yeah, and Phuc Minh seems to really like him, always calling him “Uncle Mister Darryl” and holding his hand. So sweet.
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Christine:
This client’s name is Jebediah B. Guttery. Why do images of The Dukes of Hazard flood my mind when I hear that, mixed with nauseousness and a craving for steak, all at the same time……….?
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Flannery:
I think he smokes a pipe and wears his belt on the very last notch.
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Christine:
Me too. Hopefully his parents died in an unfortunate piranha attack for naming him that.
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Flannery:
Nothing left but a pinky ring and a set of dentures.
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Christine:
Oh they found a monocle too, which Jebediah now wears.
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Flannery:
He likes to sit in his leather chair, smoke his pipe, and reminisce about the good old days with his cats and his penchant for french whores.
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Christine:
And shorn scrotes.
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Christine:
Hey, I know you’re all about the 80′s and everything but I have a real problem with the band, Air Supply.
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Flannery:
I don’t think Air Supply was a real band. We all collectively imagined them. Like a bad acid trip.
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Christine:
You 80′s kids and your wacky imagined bands.
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Flannery:
Yes, like Dexys Midnight Runners.
This never really happened.
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Christine:
Hey, I like Come On Eileen!
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Christine:
Amber just told me about a burger place in Houston named Grim Burger. They have a burger that has Mac & cheese, jalapenos, bacon and a fried egg on it. With the meat and cheese of course.
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Flannery:
I think we saw that on Food Channel.
The challenge or something.
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Christine:
That’s effing gross.
Well. I’d try it if it didn’t have jalapenos.
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Flannery:
Yeah. The egg sends it over the top for me.
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Christine:
Yeah, me too, I mean if I wasn’t gearing up for a heart attack before I ate it…………….
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Flannery:
Well that should seal the deal.
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Christine:
You know how they have that bitter apple stuff for dogs that you can spray on furniture and what not to deter them from chewing on it?
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Flannery:
Uh huh.
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Christine:
I wish something for humans that you could drop onto your tongue to make you not hungry (sort of the same concept).
Well not really but you know.
*I wish there were something*
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Flannery:
Well gosh, Christine, if they could do that then all those diet places would be out of business. Well, I’m sure it’s not that, I’m sure they just don’t have the science to do it. It’s not that they care about those businesses. No…
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Christine:
Are you good at chemistry?
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Flannery:
Why, chemistry is my favorite hobby!
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Christine:
At least I try to include you in my ideas for making money.
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Flannery:
You should know me well enough by now that I can hardly find my way across the street, let alone be trusted with deadly chemicals and mixing them together all willy-nilly.
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Christine:
I don’t consider you to be that helpless…….
You found your way to my house.
Damn you Phil Collins, damn you!!!!!! I HATE it when I’m jamming out and then I realize that I’m a full minute into a Phil Collins song and tears are forming in the corner of my eyes because his voice is so touching.
I hate that man.
I hate his music.
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Flannery:
Sissy.
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