You know how sometimes you have those moments where you go, “wow, mom of the year, right here,” in a really sarcastic voice in your head? Usually it’s when you’ve had a colossal screw up of some kind, or some mom of an NT child (neurotypical) has blathered on about the extracurriculars her kid is in, or the all natural organic recipes, prepared from scratch, that she’s whipped up.
Anywho, I had another one of those moments today and thought, wouldn’t it be a hoot to gather up a list of ten crappy mom moments? Sure it will, so here we go.
10. The damn dingo dog was chewing on the fringe of the rug, despite my numerous “mean voice” warnings, so I threw a cup of water at her. In front of the boy. Yeah, and then I got yelled at by the boy and told to clean up the mess.
9. One time I seriously considered cancelling the evening in-home ABA therapy appointment because the new season of Survivor was starting that night. And I would WAY rather watch Survivor than work all day and do three hours of therapy. Ok, it was today that I considered that. But I didn’t, so stop judging. I just considered it.
8. When the boy visits our bedroom at 3am for random things, like wanting to play, or inquiring about the whereabouts of a toy, I just tell him to go back to bed because it’s still dark. I don’t actually get up, or check to see where he goes. I just kind of trust that he’s going there.
7. My car is messy. REALLY messy. With all the other commitments, it doesn’t ever seem to make the priority list. I’ve seen my son eat food off the floor of my car. Twice. (I know, I just threw up a little too.)
6. I took the boy to McDonald’s for lunch as a reward for good behavior. Yep, I took him to the McCrappiest place to eat. It gets worse. After eating, I let him play in the skeezy petri dish of a playscape. For twenty minutes I sat and checked facebook updates and blog stats. Fuck yeah I did.
5. The boy still occasionally lets the dog lick him in the mouth. I know, I want to gag too. But I don’t even say anything when it happens anymore. I tell myself that I’m going to extinguish the behavior by ignoring it.
4. My son likes to sing snippets of songs he’s heard in the car. Current lyrics heard around the house are: “Come here girl, go ahead be gone with it,” Don’t be fancy, just get dancey,” and “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me!”
3. I let my son wear his Superman costume and rubber Ironman rainboots (at the same time) to the grocery store. In January…yeah, I’m that mom.
2. This one you may remember from an earlier post, but when the boy is being extra obnoxious, I tell him that his behavior might make my head literally explode, and he will have to clean up all the pieces off the floor.
1. When he was three, I took him to an outdoor tree lighting event at the shopping center. While making our way through the crowd, he spontaneously started yelling “Jesus Christ!!!” Over and over and over again. So I sort of implied to people near us that he learned that at church. Yeah, uh, no. That was a total lie. Yeah yeah, I already know where I’m headed, spare me the reminder.
So there you go, ten reasons for you to feel better about your parenting skills. I’m sure I’ll have to post a “part 2” to this within the next couple of months. That’s how much I suck. But I’m actually okay with it. I’m doing MUCH better at this parenting thing than I thought I would. Well, except for the Jesus thing.