So a few days ago I asked the illustrious Jillsmo, from Yeah. Good Times to Guest Post for me. She was super excited to do it for me (I bribed her with pizza and beer). She meant to get it to me yesterday, but something happened with vodka. I’m not really sure.
BUT, she was SUPER excited to send me this one: “I whipped this one out (of my ass) for you.”
And here it is!
Dear Other Parents Who Live in Berkeley:
Okay, people: here’s the deal. Yeah, I’m super liberal, and it seems like I fit in around here, but I’ve started to suspect that some of my parenting habits might get me kicked out of town if you all actually knew about them. So, I’ve decided to own these habits of mine and then get on with my life. I think it will be cleansing (you know, like in that stupid “spiritual cleansing” kind of way, that you guys do).
I didn’t breastfeed either of my kids. It wasn’t for a lack of trying, it just apparently wasn’t in the cards for us. You didn’t know about this because pulling a bottle out in a public location will actually get you a lecture from the hippie lady at the next table, so I kept all that stuff at home.
We go to McDonalds. Yes. We do. We frequent the huge mega-conglomerate evil fast food chain that makes our kids fat just by walking by one. I know, you’ve picketed and petitioned to get them out of town, but you lost, and there are 2 of these places in our town. And we go there. About once a week.
I go to Starbucks; like… a lot. I really like my mochas and I’ve been to every single place in town and tried every mocha available, and since there is no Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf around here, I’ve decided that Starbucks has the best mochas. I know, they use prison labor to make their cups. I KNOW they treat their employees badly, or something, I don’t know: who cares? They have good chocolate there, and good chocolate is the key to a good mocha.
My kids spend a lot of time in front of a computer; they each have their own (thank you, Grandparents!). I know, this will automatically make them fat and have ADHD or something, and yet… I still let them. Because sometimes I have to work (or blog) and I don’t have the time to keep the 5 year old entertained. And you know what else? When YOUR kid comes over, that’s all they do when they’re here. Your kid really wants a computer, by the way. Like… really wants one.
I drive my kids to school every morning. I know we only live 6 blocks away, but I always have to run off to some far away location to work immediately afterwards and I just don’t have the time to walk them up the street and then walk myself back to where my car is… so, we drive. Every day. And now that we’re in the habit of driving, I will even drive them on the days when I don’t work.
I hate bicycles. Fucking hate them. I hate riding them. I hate other people who ride them. They annoy the hell out of me when I’m driving. I don’t own one, neither of my kids have one (they have never wanted one; they have scooters) and as long as I can help it, we will never get one.
I don’t do Yoga. I could never coordinate my frantic arm movements with all that crazy breathing you’re supposed to do, so I gave up very quickly. Also, I hate the sun and I like the rain, and if one more of you asks me if I’m enjoying this beautiful weather I’m going to fucking kick you in the shins.
I let my 5 year old watch Family Guy with me, and it’s had a really bad influence on him. The other day he wanted to know how old you have to be to have sex.
We have never done a family bed, because I never get a wink of sleep when they’re next to me.
I have never ever brought my own wooden silverware to a potluck, nor would I ever even consider it.
So, there you are: my list of sins against you, the City of Berkeley. OH MY GOD I hope nobody I know reads this, because I actually like living here, despite all of this, and I really don’t want to get run out of town for my sins. I do wear Birkenstocks every day, though, so that should balance some of this out, right? RIGHT?