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Attention Bottom Feeders

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Hey you.  Yeah, YOU!

I don’t know if you’re a telemarketer, or one of those nerdy, antisocial virus-creating dregs of society.  I don’t really care either.  Whatever you are, I am on to you.

Did you really think you would beat me?  Did you?  You started calling my cell phone yesterday, and continued calling it every 5 minutes.  What is that number anyway?

777-887-0460

I call it back and get a recording.  I bet you thought you were funny.

Guess what.  You can’t beat me.  Want to know why?

Because I’m a mom.  You can’t beat a mom.  My whole life involves staying one step ahead.  In fact, I’m a mom to a spectrum kid, so my entire existence hinges on my ability to creatively problem solve at a moment’s notice.

Like on Saturday, when my kid tried to single-handedly put the supermarket sample lady out of business when he went back for his 12th Pepperoni Pizza Lean Pocket sample.  Yeah, she gave me one of those snotty “don’t you teach your kid manners?” kind of looks.

Just too good to resist.

Which is kind of funny, actually, because she’s a 50-year-old supermarket sample lady, for chrissakes.  Like she should be all Judgy Snottingpuss.

Should not judge others...

But I had craftily thought beforehand to pack candy in my purse.  Chocolate candy.  So it was quite easy to distract and coax him away from the panties-in-a-wad sample nazi.

But back to you, telemarketer/virus creator/slimeball.  See, I have an android phone, and that means there are metric fuck-tons of free apps at my disposal.

Apps to block callers and text messages.  I can even choose to block just calls, just messages, or both.

You’re on lockdown.  You are 100% blocked.  Your devious little plan was thwarted and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it, so take your marbles and go home.

Next time you want to go to war with me, you better bring your A-game.

Move along now.  There’s a sample lady at the Target store you can harass.

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About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

8 responses »

  1. Oh my effing god, Flannery’s baaaaack!!!!!!

    My son does that all the time at Sam’s Club and then we get home, after we’ve bought all 922,014 Lean Pockets, and guess what?!? He won’t eat them. Doesn’t like them anymore.

    I’m suddenly afraid and in awe of you both at the same time.

    Reply
  2. YOU ROCK! Someone needs to develop an android app that actually shocks people in the ear when they answer your call. I would sooo install THAT! My little android guy doesn’t shoot lasers out of his eyes, he looks more like a robotic version of Cheech and Chong. Not nearly as fearsome as yours!

    Reply
  3. Pingback: Posts That Will Never Be « That'sRightISaidIt.Dot.Mom

  4. You have had me laughing so hard at the last couple of posts people around me are thinking I’ve lost it – alone in my office- laughing… wait – maybe I have. Anyway, its the fact that the sample lady is being all judge-y about who gets her samples! Haha! (Oh – and I need one of those block apps – really, I didn’t even know they were out there – thanks!)

    Reply
  5. Awesome. You should see the sample ladies’ face when I try to put her out of business, and only give my kid one sample. Now, wait, what was the rest of this about? I’m hungry. Some one go get Big Daddy, aka B. Diddy, a hot pocket.

    Reply
  6. I hate when those sample ladies get all attitudenal on me when I come around for the 3rd and 4th time. By the 5th time, they’ve made me feel downright bad about myself. And then they take their sweet time cooking up a new batch and pretending like they’re still slicing it up as they watch me circling. Nice hairnets, losers!

    Reply
  7. From one spectrum mom to another, this was my favorite part…

    Because I’m a mom. You can’t beat a mom. My whole life involves staying one step ahead. In fact, I’m a mom to a spectrum kid, so my entire existence hinges on my ability to creatively problem solve at a moment’s notice

    Reply
  8. Awesome! Pudding has far too many allergies to hassle the hairnet ladies, but she goes to the unmanned fruit stations and goes to town. I get some looks for the way she makes a grape kebab with a toothpick, but that is some great fine motor practice right there.

    Reply

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