In my list of favorite movies, somewhere in the top 10, but below Fried Green Tomatoes (shut up) and Shawshank Redemption, was the movie Parenthood, with Steve Martin. The movie spoke to me because it was a real, down and dirty, underwear-lodged-in-your-butt portrayal of raising kids.
Or so I thought. Before I became a parent. I can’t even watch that movie now. But a couple of weeks ago the movie was on cable, and I tried to watch it, but it annoyed the piss out of me.
First, there’s the analogy of how life is like a roller coaster, with all the ups and downs and what-not. I used to think that was true, and thought it was a fitting description. Now I know better.
If it was REALLY like a roller coaster, then the part that goes down would happen at night. In a rainstorm. And there would be zombies chasing you, trying to eat your face. And you’d be on your period. AND you’d be doubled over in excruciating stomach pain from trying to control the explosive diarrhea.
Then one of the zombies jumps onto the cart and manages to gnaw off your right arm before the roller coaster comes to a stop. So you manage to rip your arm out of the zombie’s mouth, and have to run through the park to find the exit. But you have to drag that bloody stump of a right arm with you, and it’s really heavy, but you keep thinking that maybe you can get it reattached, so you better hang onto it. But then you see your kid over at the ice cream concession stand, and he’s trying to cram as much ice cream into his face as possible before you see him, and the zombies are closing in on him. So you run over and you have to beat them away with your bloody arm stump and scream at him to put the damn ice cream down. Then you ask him to help you carry the arm-stump because it’s really heavy, but he whines that it’s too heavy and, geez, he can’t even help you with that after you saved him from the zombies, fercryingoutloud.
There. Much more realistic.
The other annoying thing about that movie is the kid. Steve Martin’s son, Kevin, has emotional issues, and the parents are beside themselves trying to figure out what to do.
Give me a break.
The kid has some anxiety, I get that. He’s kind of whiny and emotional. Fine. But seriously….if your kid isn’t head-butting and shin-kicking the summer camp counselors, and you’re not getting called at work to come and get him, then it could be worse.
Yes, that’s my little darling I’m talking about. I’d like to see Cowboy Gil get out of that camp alive with his balloon animals and water pistol. If that’s all you’ve got, Cowboy Gil, you might as well mosey your ass over to the zombie ride and wait for sweet, sweet death.
So, yeah, that movie is off my top ten list. I’m replacing it with Just Friends, which is one of the funniest. movies. ever. And it’s got Ryan Reynolds, BONUS!!!
Now, if I could get Anna Faris to run the summer camp, in character as Samantha James, then I think we might have ourselves a camp that can contain my kid!