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Cowboy Gil Would Be Crying Like a Bitch After One Day

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In my list of favorite movies, somewhere in the top 10, but below Fried Green Tomatoes (shut up) and Shawshank Redemption, was the movie Parenthood, with Steve Martin.  The movie spoke to me because it was a real, down and dirty, underwear-lodged-in-your-butt portrayal of raising kids.

Or so I thought.  Before I became a parent.  I can’t even watch that movie now.  But a couple of weeks ago the movie was on cable, and I tried to watch it, but it annoyed the piss out of me.

First, there’s the analogy of how life is like a roller coaster, with all the ups and downs and what-not.  I used to think that was true, and thought it was a fitting description.  Now I know better.

If it was REALLY like a roller coaster, then the part that goes down would happen at night.  In a rainstorm.  And there would be zombies chasing you, trying to eat your face.  And you’d be on your period.  AND you’d be doubled over in excruciating stomach pain from trying to control the explosive diarrhea.

Then one of the zombies jumps onto the cart and manages to gnaw off your right arm before the roller coaster comes to a stop.  So you manage to rip your arm out of the zombie’s mouth, and have to run through the park to find the exit.  But you have to drag that bloody stump of a right arm with you, and it’s really heavy, but you keep thinking that maybe you can get it reattached, so you better hang onto it.  But then you see your kid over at the ice cream concession stand, and he’s trying to cram as much ice cream into his face as possible before you see him, and the zombies are closing in on him.  So you run over and you have to beat them away with your bloody arm stump and scream at him to put the damn ice cream down.  Then you ask him to help you carry the arm-stump because it’s really heavy, but he whines that it’s too heavy and, geez, he can’t even help you with that after you saved him from the zombies, fercryingoutloud.

There.  Much more realistic.

The other annoying thing about that movie is the kid.  Steve Martin’s son, Kevin, has emotional issues, and the parents are beside themselves trying to figure out what to do.

It's all fun and games until the zombies eat your face.

Give me a break.

The kid has some anxiety, I get that.  He’s kind of whiny and emotional.  Fine.  But seriously….if your kid isn’t head-butting and shin-kicking the summer camp counselors, and you’re not getting called at work to come and get him, then it could be worse.

Yes, that’s my little darling I’m talking about.  I’d like to see Cowboy Gil get out of that camp alive with his balloon animals and water pistol.  If that’s all you’ve got, Cowboy Gil, you might as well mosey your ass over to the zombie ride and wait for sweet, sweet death.

So, yeah, that movie is off my top ten list.  I’m replacing it with Just Friends, which is one of the funniest. movies. ever.  And it’s got Ryan Reynolds, BONUS!!!

Now, if I could get Anna Faris to run the summer camp, in character as Samantha James, then I think we might have ourselves a camp that can contain my kid!

She'll take your head butt and raise you a throat punch.


About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

14 responses »

  1. This script is BRILLIANT. I can’t wait for this to come out on the big screen and I hope you are already working on your Oscar acceptance speech, hairdo, and gown.

    I can tell my favorite part of the movie will be when you ask your son to carry the arm stump because it is heavy and he will whine because it is too heavy. No greater truth has been spoken.

  2. Steve Martin is annoying on a good day and since I’m having a bad day he’s really effing annoying. That man should be banned from Hollywood.

    And I think my son would do the same thing in his winest voice ever– “but moooom, I’m not done with my ice cream, I can’t carry your arm stump, its way to heavy and where would I put my ice cream? And my I-touch? I can’t cary all three. So instead of arguing I have a running monologue in my brain going: UNFUGGING-BELIEVABLE, now I have to carry all three?!? EFFING-FANTASTIC.

  3. OMG. You just described my life right now PERFECTLY!! Get out of my head, woman.

  4. ILet’s work with this. The explosive diarrhea, well, that could be the first step toward becoming a zombie, right? So that’s not that bad. i don’t know what a period is, so that’s not a big deal. Sucks about the camp, but were the head butts good shots at least? Any teeth, nose issues?

  5. Having kids with autism ruined lots of movies for me because they no longer speak to or resonate with my reality. One of my favorite new sitcoms is The Middle. That’s more along my line!

  6. You should immediately log this script treatment with the writers guild for protection sake, THEN you should submit to the funny or die people to make a short out of it- unless you already have this footage taped…because it is comic gold!

  7. This is hilarious! OH MY GOD. The zombie movie sounds awesome. Someone needs to pick up your idea and script it and pay you ten million dollars.

    I used to love the Parenthood movie, but that’s probably because I have a kid who was one of the easiest kids on the planet to raise. (STOP throwing things at me, it’s not my fault…) I understand why the movie would be completely provoking to parents of kids who like to head-butt their camp counselors, though.

    See how I did that perspective taking thing? 🙂

    And, truth be told, the big happy family scene at the end of Parenthood, with all the kiddos and hugs and smooches kind of pissed me off — on account of the whole family system in which I grew up being extremely effed up and my having to run for my sanity about 20 years ago.

  8. Genius! I don’t get the argument part though- my kid would take the stump hold it for 3 seconds and shove it back on me. Then he’d reach up wanting me to carry him too…

  9. Zombies would never get close enough to gnaw my arm off, because I would throw whoever was on the roller coaster with me at them.

    But in Parenthood, you’ll notice that the one saying that life was like a roller coaster was the extremely old woman who went and sat in the neighbor’s car. Not all there, if you catch my drift.

    I like Parenthood. I especially liked that blonde kid who kept bumping into walls with a bucket on his head. That would be me.

  10. Pingback: To Answer Karen’s Question, a Novel « Living on the Spectrum: The Connor Chronicles

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