It’s come to my attention that summer camps do not like working with children with “challenges.” It came to my attention by way of several phone calls at work, requiring me to leave early to pick up my child, and then being wished well as we find a new placement.
It also seems that my employer is not in a position to be understanding or supportive of this particular problem. They seem to think that my not being at work is a “problem”. So, while my job hangs in the balance, I started brainstorming ways to support myself, and my child.
I think I have the answer.
There’s still time for me to throw my
bra hat in the ring. For the big job. That’s right….EL PRESIDENTE!!!!
Since I don’t see how I could do any worse than some of our former presidents (*cough* Dubya), I think it’s a solid plan. I’ve started thinking about campaign slogans and need to narrow it down.
1. Listen fuckwads, we’re gonna do some shit differently around here.
2. We are the champions, my friends, and we’ll keep on fighting to the end.
3. Big pimpin’ in Washington DC…big pimpin’ spendin’ cheese.
4. The right captain for this ship of fools
5. Tippecanoe and Flannery too.
6. A chicken in every La Creuset and a mini-van with automatic sliding doors in every garage.
And because I’m no slouch, and am really committed to the job, I have already begun drafting some new legislation. We’re going to need some new rules, because I care about making people happy, damnit, and I think they will be better than the old ones.
1. Gay marriage is legal everywhere!! Fuck it, get married…you’ll also be taxed at the married rate, so enjoy!
2. Every street in ever city will be required to have a left turn signal. No more of this bullshit of having to play frogger to make a left turn.
3. Henceforth, our national food will be bacon, not apple pie. Our national drink will be Red Bull. From now on, we will say “that’s as American as Red Bull and bacon.”
4. Foreign relations *something something* will now be *mutter mutter* and everyone will be happy!
5. We will maximize our domestic exports by shipping Lady Gaga over to Japan. Those harajuku girls should be ready for a new, kookie look. They will adore us for this sign of goodwill. Also, we will send Lohan, Snookie, the Situation, and the Kardashian girls to Singapore for a good caning. Again, I feel this will help build support around the world and will strengthen diplomatic relations.
6. Liquor will be available for sale 7 days a week, because I care about the people that get too hammered on Saturday to remember to stock up for pro-sports game day.
7. Texas will become their own sovereign nation. Their coastline is full of oil anyway and they’ve been wanting to separate for years, so it’s a win-win for everyone.
This platform should be enough to get me started. And really, the 7-day liquor law should get me enough votes on its own. Just in case, I have some back-up plans. I’m thinking that ensuring that every child on the spectrum will receive appropriate therapy, regardless of parent’s income or ability to pay is a good start. Also, perhaps making it mandatory that every childcare service has staff that are trained to understand and work with kids on the spectrum.
Now I don’t know anything about funding these services, because that’s fancy financial talk that I don’t understand. BUT, if I was voted President, then I would for sure hire someone that knows about those kinds of things, and I’m sure they would think of a way to make it happen.
I’m pretty sure that’s what the other guys do, right? And the bonus to having me in that position will be my emphasis on things that are important to us, like booze and bacon and spectrum kids.
Anyway, it’s just a rough draft. But at the rate things are going, I’ll have lots of time to plan it out more thoroughly.