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An Important Announcement, of Epic Proportions

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It’s come to my attention that summer camps do not like working with children with “challenges.”  It came to my attention by way of several phone calls at work, requiring me to leave early to pick up my child, and then being wished well as we find a new placement.

It also seems that my employer is not in a position to be understanding or supportive of this particular problem.  They seem to think that my not being at work is a “problem”.  So, while my job hangs in the balance, I started brainstorming ways to support myself, and my child.

I think I have the answer.

There’s still time for me to throw my bra hat in the ring.  For the big job.  That’s right….EL PRESIDENTE!!!!

Since I don’t see how I could do any worse than some of our former presidents (*cough* Dubya), I think it’s a solid plan.  I’ve started thinking about campaign slogans and need to narrow it down.

1.  Listen fuckwads, we’re gonna do some shit differently around here.

2.  We are the champions, my friends, and we’ll keep on fighting to the end.

3.  Big pimpin’ in Washington DC…big pimpin’ spendin’ cheese.

4.  The right captain for this ship of fools

5.  Tippecanoe and Flannery too.

6.  A chicken in every La Creuset and a mini-van with automatic sliding doors in every garage.

And because I’m no slouch, and am really committed to the job, I have already begun drafting some new legislation.  We’re going to need some new rules, because I care about making people happy, damnit, and I think they will be better than the old ones.

1.  Gay marriage is legal everywhere!!  Fuck it, get married…you’ll also be taxed at the married rate, so enjoy!

2.  Every street in ever city will be required to have a left turn signal.  No more of this bullshit of having to play frogger to make a left turn.

3.  Henceforth, our national food will be bacon, not apple pie.  Our national drink will be Red Bull.  From now on, we will say  “that’s as American as Red Bull and bacon.”

Oops, wrong bacon. Eh, what the heck.

4.  Foreign relations *something something* will now be *mutter mutter* and everyone will be happy!

5.  We will maximize our domestic exports by shipping Lady Gaga over to Japan.  Those harajuku girls should be ready for a new, kookie look.  They will adore us for this sign of goodwill.  Also, we will send Lohan, Snookie, the Situation, and the Kardashian girls to Singapore for a good caning.  Again, I feel this will help build support around the world and will strengthen diplomatic relations.

On second thought, the world may hate us....

6.  Liquor will be available for sale 7 days a week, because I care about the people that get too hammered on Saturday to remember to stock up for pro-sports game day.

Hello there, old friends!

7.  Texas will become their own sovereign nation.  Their coastline is full of oil anyway and they’ve been wanting to separate for years, so it’s a win-win for everyone.

See ya!

This platform should be enough to get me started.  And really, the 7-day liquor law should get me enough votes on its own.  Just in case, I have some back-up plans.  I’m thinking that ensuring that every child on the spectrum will receive appropriate therapy, regardless of parent’s income or ability to pay is a good start.  Also, perhaps making it mandatory that every childcare service has staff that are trained to understand and work with kids on the spectrum. 

Now I don’t know anything about funding these services, because that’s fancy financial talk that I don’t understand.  BUT, if I was voted President, then I would for sure hire someone that knows about those kinds of things, and I’m sure they would think of a way to make it happen.

I’m pretty sure that’s what the other guys do, right?  And the bonus to having me in that position will be my emphasis on things that are important to us, like booze and bacon and spectrum kids.

Anyway, it’s just a rough draft.  But at the rate things are going, I’ll have lots of time to plan it out more thoroughly.


About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

16 responses »

  1. So are you running with or against Big Daddy? Cause I’m all for this Red Bull and bacon thing.

  2. I just stumbled onto your blog last week when I read about the mother of the year award….I laughed so hard I almost cried and then went home to make sure you didn’t have hidden camera’s in my house cause you seemed to know exactly what my household is like. I moved from Texas to California about 10 years ago and have 3 kids, one on the spectrum. I would definately vote for you. Grat campaign idea’s. And I feel you on the childcare! I am always having to leave work and deal with childcare providers that can’t be bothered to learn or care and my boss looks a little crosseyed every time I head out early too! Keep up the great blog. I am always looking for a good laugh and a way to smile about the roadblocks and pain in the butt issues life on he spectrum brings!

  3. I like #1 for your campaign slogan. It’s kinda like “Yes, We Can” only way more attention-grabbing.

    And I’ve been saying for YEARS that we should just give Texas back to Mexico. We basically stole Texas in a bloody battle with the Mexicans, right? And for what? It is time to correct this injustice. Then again, Mexico may not want it back because they have enough problems of their own already. Your plan is probably better.

    You got my vote.

  4. Nothing like it when companies who tout “Work/Life Balance” throw out the mom with the special kid.

    Been there, done that…a couple of times.

    My son’s been kicked out of preschools, day camps and public schools. He’s that versatile…I think he’d make a great member of your Cabinet.


  5. I was planning on entering the presidential race since my congressional representative, who is a loser douchebag, has opted to join in. But since you’re running, I’ll just go after his seat in congress and help you pass your legislation. I can also be in charge of running interference for scandals.

    I love all your slogans, but Tippecanoe and Flannery too just tickles me.

    Sorry for the fuckery re: summer camps. That totally blows.

  6. And to get him into a summer camp that DOES work with special needs children will cost you your entire paycheck and then some! I agree 100% with the 7 day booze law. I was shocked to find this out about Texas AFTER I moved here from California. And they have the nerve to close liquor stores at 9 o’freakin’clock!

    Love this post! My husband came in my room to see what the laughter was all about.

  7. I love all of those campaign promises. You have my vote.

    Sounds like you would be better than our current Prime Minister too (*cough* douchebag). Only problem is, it’s not as easy to run for PM since we vote ofr a party, not a person. However, I think you could start a new party. If the Marijuana Party is real, yours can be too.

  8. Campaign slogan #1 is definitely a winner. As are all the campaign promises. If I could vote, I would vote for you!!

  9. Liquor! Bacon! Liquor! It tastes like some awesome freedom. And that part of shipping people away. Me likey. I have a few personal favorites I’d enjoy adding to the list.

  10. Just to clarify (as though it’s needed), the “Like” is for your awesome response to the crummy situation. I hope the folks currently in charge get reality sorted out before you’re forced to sort it out for ’em as El Presidente!

  11. You’ve totally got my vote. Big Daddy didn’t even bother to lay out a platform, let alone one this detailed. I think you need an additional plank to “Crush Big Daddy”.

  12. I think you would make a great succesor to Sarah Palin in 2016.

  13. You’ve got my vote too! Booze, bacon & spectrum kids! I think u could hire Jillsmo for the financial stuff. – she’ll work those numbers right!

  14. You’re gonna let Big Daddy be your running mate, right?

  15. I like the 1st slogan the best. You know what “they” say…go with your first instinct! 😉

  16. Since your victory is assured, I’m preparing for your first state visit to Britain. Forget going to the palace – I’ve bought an extra teacup and a packet of HobNobs (presidents have to accept dealing with alien cultures like ours) to celebrate your arrival. My neighbour says you can park Air Force One in her back garden if you’re careful not to damage her shrubs.


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