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Guest Post – Kung Fu Fighters Are Assholes

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My funny dried up, I got a nasty cold, and school is ramping up to start in a couple days, so I’ve kind of been off the grid.

Did you even notice?  DID YOU???

Lizbeth, from Four Sea Stars noticed, and she called me out and was all, “what the fuck, sister?”  Then she foolishly kindly mentioned something about doing a guest post, and I jumped all over that shit like a donut at a PTA meeting.

Lizbeth is a rock star.  Do you know her?  You should.  She writes about stalkers and men with small penises that drive orange sports cars, and other wildly funny things.

Here is her wonderful guest post, which is her way of saying “you better get some shit up on your blog, loser.”  She is the bringer of the funny…

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I’m sitting here tapping my hands on the keyboard hoping something magical will come out.  Something so as to not let Flannery down.  Something so filled with poetry and words with rapture so as not to disappoint.

And I’ve got nothing.
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Not even making fun of my mom’s cooking will suffice.  And I am granted some creative leeway here.  The fact I came out of my childhood house without a social services consult for failing to meet minimum nutritional standards is still unnerving.  I have images seared on the backs of my retina’s of my mom using a can opener for every meal and pulling out frozen corn and spinach from the freezer, mixing them and calling it dinner.
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I will never get those years back.
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A fire extinguisher was always on the counter and trust me when I say we had a personal relationship with the Mac Fire Department.  As a kid I knew all their names.  If only I could be on a first name basis with our Fire Department men.  Lord Almighty, they are easy on the eyes.
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I don’t think I’ve ever met a not-hot fireman.
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Wait.  What?  Sorry, I digress.
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Anyway, it has taken me many years (and I do mean years people, I’m not a quick learner) to figure out that if you have a kid on the Spectrum and they really like music and certain TV shows ad nauseam then the smart thing to do is get your ass in front of that music and TV pronto. Like yesterday.  Like, seriously, the day before yesterday.
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And yes, my son is still talking like a Valley Girl.  Thanks Disney Channel, I owe you one.
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Now I’ve had my son listen to Bolero for years now as a “go to” song.  Its soothing, its repetitive.  He loves trying to identify what instrument comes next.  But the real glory?  The real reason I went with Maurice??
 It’s thirteen-glorious-minutes long.
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Thirteen minutes of freedom.
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Thirteen minutes I can use to pee, put on deodorant, unload the dishwasher, to do laundry, to drink–yes I really said that, to sit and catch the news or just do nothing.  All wrapped in the sanctity of sweet music made by Maurice.
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But now my panties are in a bunch.  I mean they’re really shoved up and in there good.  I’m usually the one at home doling out the music and TV shows.  I’ve finally gotten used to Phinneas and Ferb.  I’m OK with them.  I can tolerate them.
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But my husband got in front of my son and let him listen to his music.  I can’t stand his music.  And now I’m screwed.  Royally and totally screwed.  And not in the good way.  The really, really, bad ugly way.  The kind of way that may involve a murder/suicide.
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See, he let Alex hear the song, Kung Fu Fighting and Maurice had been unceremoniously punted off the back deck.
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My zen has been destroyed.
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Kung Fu Fighting by fucking Kool and the Gang.  Kool and the Gang.  I thought they were all dead.  No.  NO.  I take that back.  I don’t know about Kool and the Gang.  I don’t care about Kool and the Gang.  I could have gone my whole life not giving a shit about Kool and the Gang but now they’re back.  In my house.  And I can’t get them to leave.

These bastards need to get out of my house.

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I’ve gotten some sense and made him upgrade to the Fatboy Slim version but I’m still in hell.  It’s just moved out of the 70’s and into the 90’s.  All I’m listening to is how everyone’s kung fu fighting and how they’re all fast as lighting and I don’t give a shit.
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And how they’re all looking real fine and how he’s a got a white suit on and how he’s got perfect timing, just like when he’s kung fu fighting and I still don’t give a shit.
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And how there’s some girl singing about her sexy kung foo fighter and how she’s gonna take you higher. And he’s got something that will tease ya.  Whaaat???  And now, now, I give a shit.
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See, my son’s great at memorizing things and within three repeats he had the whole song down pat and now he’s running around singing, “ONE TWO, DO THE KUNG FU.  THREE FOUR, ON THE DANCE FLOOR.  I SAY, ONE TWO DO THE KUNG FU.  THREE FOUR ON THE DANCE FLOOR.  SING IT GIRL!”
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To which he looks over to my daughter and she sings out, “SEXY KUNG FOO FIGHTER!!!  LET ME TAKE YOU HIGHER!!!!”
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To which he sings back, “I’M THE ONLY MAN THAT WILL PLEASE YA.  I’VE GOT SOMETHING THAT WILL TEASE YA!!!!”
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To which I am screaming in my head, “THIS IS A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENING!”
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My beautiful children are belting out, at the top of their lungs, how they are going to sex each other up.  And they won’t stop.
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I’m in hell.
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I’m ready to slit my wrists.
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Slowly.
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But first I’m going to find my husband.
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And that will be frightening.
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About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

16 responses »

  1. First of all, dear Flan, yes, I noticed your conspicuous absence and I did not like it one bit. Leave it to Lizbeth, though, to tell you to get your shit together. She’s good at that ass-kicking thing. And yes, she does rock.

    Now, dear Lizbeth, we need to have a serious talk about the whole firefighter thing. Trust me on this. Just trust me.

    I’m gonna have Kung Fu Fighting stuck in my head all day today, thanks to you. If it’s any comfort, my son’s new favorite song is Tik Tok by Ke$ha, thanks to his father. Again, we need to have a talk about the firefighter thing.

    Reply
  2. I HATE the damn song and now it’s stuck in my head. It’s even worse than the Kidz Bop commercials Cameron has memorized.

    Any friend of Lizbeth is a friend of mine.

    Reply
  3. I noticed your absence too….I needed a good chuckle the last week or two too!!! What the hell? Luckily the guest post took care of that and I am giggling in my office right now…I just wish I wasn’t humming Kung Foo Fighting though!

    Reply
  4. LOl! Thanks for the laugh! That was funnier than the Cat and the Apple Monster on YouTube! I needed that….

    Reply
  5. Hilarious! But now you’ve got us all singing the damn song and it’s sucking my will to live! 🙂

    Reply
  6. See, see my pain?!? All the time! I’m ready to drop a sledgehammer on my foot.

    @Grace–that makes perfect sense. I get it now. See, I’m a slow learner?!? I will totally trust you on this one an now just pass by my Fire Station and maybe occasionally take a peek? And don’t worry I plan to flush it out the side yard…. fertilizer.

    Reply
  7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I was laughing so hard reading this that I scared my cats. I don’t think that Kool and the Gang did Kung Fu Fighting. Or maybe they did, and I was so traumatized that I completely blocked it out. I lived through the first rendition and it sort of scarred me for life.

    Not only are there no non-hot firemen, there don’t appear to be any non-hot paramedics, either. Made the ride in the ambulance last year totally worth it.

    Reply
    • OMG Tina, Flan and I had that same discussion!! The guy who actually did Kung Fu Fighting is Carl Douglas. Kool and the Gang did a remake as did Fatboy Slim. Scary I know this, right?

      The one Carl did is waaaaay 70’s and our house sounded like Studio 69 so I upgraded him to the less offensive versions although I personally think all versions are equally ear-rape worthy.

      Hot paramedics?? I’ll have to look into this….

      Reply
  8. ROFL- Gawd- I miss you guys!!! Grace is sooo right. I’ve been spending this trial with some of the ugliest firefighters in America… Can’t wait to get back & tell you all about it!!! Looks like I’ll be back in the rotation in mid-September! xoxo. (Lizbeth’s right! Get your assback to blogging!! Your public needs you!!)

    Reply
  9. Ah yes. My husband has introduced my kids to all sorts of family-oriented (NOT), life enriching tunes. While my kids have not been blessed with Kung Foo Fighting, we did go through the Smoke on the Water stage, the Jimmy Buffet stage and who could forget the Any One Hit Wonder from the 80s stage. Hope your hubby survived.

    Reply
  10. Hey–did Kool & The Gang do that song too? Because they’re horrible. Because I thought Carl Douglas did that song. Did K & Gang really do it too, because now I have to youtube it and see just how heinous it must be.

    Yeah, no need to tell me about music heard over and over and over and over again. I’m really not a very big fan of Gerry & The Pacemakers.

    Reply
    • Yo, that’s Carl Douglas. You just added more torment to your torture, and sister, you didn’t need any more.

      Reply
      • Ohhh, Karen–to get you back for your meme, I’ll send you my copies of Kung Fu Fighting. The Fatboy Slime version is the best but you know, we’re not talking musical genius here. The Carl Douglas version is hideous. Just hideous. Kool and the Gang are right in the middle of the auditory hell ranking.

        Reply
  11. Oh God–it’s Fatboy Slim not Slime!!!

    Reply
  12. Umm… hello..Ummmm……ehhhh… I kinda like Kung Fu Fighting!! * runs away REALLY fast*

    xx Jazzy

    Reply
  13. I wondered where you were Flan! I hope all is ok and you will feel the funny and the funky soon- as for Miss Sea Star- oh honey…I only wish you could escape the funk. Its like having THAT song stuck in your head, only worse. way worse. Of course, it could have been “car wash” or “Disco Duck”- right?

    no, I suppose I am not making it better. sorry…

    Reply

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