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Anal Retentive Trick-or-Treaters; How We Survived Another Halloween

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This was a successful Halloween. Connor did not run ahead, he stayed with us, and he didn’t try to walk into people’s houses when they opened their doors.

Last year, at every house, I had to grit my teeth and call out “stay on the porch, we don’t go in the house!” When really, I was thinking Don’t go in that house!! They might be crack heads!!!!!

But this year was different. This was OUR YEAR. It all felt so normal, so calm, so…pleasant.


Connor chose to be Darth Vader this year, because he has seen ALL the Star Wars movies, and would rather be the dark, sinister bad guy, then the shining, virtuous Jedi. Whatever. It’s not foreshadowing…

He saw light-up light sabers at Target, and wanted the green one. “But Darth Vader has a red light saber”, I explained.

“No, green is my favorite color, and I want to be Darth Vader with a GREEN light saber.”

Deadly in any color.

Fine. Who cares, right? It’s all supposed to be fun and imaginative anyway, right? RIGHT??? There should be no undue pressure on costume design. It’s not a Hollywood production, after all.

So I surprised him with the green light saber last night, which had the dual purpose of accessorizing his costume and providing a glow-in-the-dark beacon to avoid the potential loss of the boy on a dark street. BONUS!!

Somewhere in the midst of our Halloween bliss, we became aware that other kids were making a concerted effort to bust our happy little bubble. We would pass groups of kids, Connor would wave his magical new toy, and some kid would say “Darth Vader is supposed to have a red light saber.”

Finally, after the tenth such comment, hubs growled “We know that, but he’s only 6, and it doesn’t matter to him, so it shouldn’t matter to YOU.”

Seriously, little jackass kids? You are so emboldened by your own sense of greatness and superiority that you must take the first grader down a peg?? I mean, you’re wearing a fucking cardboard box, made to look like a robot. If you want to split hairs, then may I point out that robots are not really made of cardboard? They’re made of metal, dumbass. Geesh!

Hope it rains, smartass!!!

And kudos to hubs. Usually I’m the one that boldly steps forward as the snarky bitch of the family, but it looks like I may have to hand the crown over this year.

I can just hear it now…“Queen’s don’t have mustaches!!”

Au contraire, mon frere. Apparently you’ve never been to West Hollywood for Halloween.


27 responses »

  1. This is awesome. My son would have been one of those jackass kids. But he’s only in 2nd grade, and he didn’t wear cardboard, so I think we could have worked it out.

    And I know a few queens with mustaches. Their houses are beautifully decorated, and they throw the BEST parties.

  2. I just laughed so hard at the “I hope it rains” comment with the photo that I think I snorted a few times. Hilarious.

  3. Maybe Darth Vader would have just worn black because it was slimming and not been the evil master of the universe if he had grown up using a green light saber.

    I hope those kids get the runs from scarfing down all their candy.

  4. That made me laugh. Good for the hubs. For school (not T or T’ing), I had a pirate with a Thunder Cats sword. 1 kid pointed it out and my NT son said “So what?” and kept it moving.

  5. I’m sorry, but the Bubs is not amused. Defacing the Queen’s image is treason and punishable by death apparently… **sigh** He delights in telling me how many bullets he would take for her…

    That’s so cute your Hubs stepped in and did the dressing down! Stupid kids. And you know what? Robots AREN’T made from cardboard, that’s just silly. So there. And seriously? He’s meant to have a red laser? I’ve seen them all multiple times and had never twigged onto that. Not that observation has ever been one of my strong points. (when I used to live with my dad and his wife, I’d come home from college and she’d be all “what do you think?” And I’d just stand there like a deer trapped in headlights. She’d changed the curtains, or rearranged the furniture or something, but I never noticed!! And I wasn’t just being a dick, I honestly couldn’t tell what she’d done until she told me!)

    Anyhoo, I’m glad you guys had such a successful night!!!! I have to post my own Halloween adventures in a country that doesn’t really celebrate it. Seriously. People put “No trick or treaters” signs on the front of their doors. Should I make sure to have a stash of rotten eggs for next year and trick all the houses that do this? Other people turn out all their lights in the hopes of not getting botheres, but I can see them inside watching TV!!!! But yeah, we only go to the houses where the porch light is on or that have jack o’ lanterns and spooky decorations up. They also give out cupcakes and bags of chips. Is that normal? I don’t remember that being normal. I remember it being candy and maybe chocolates. Either way, it’s better than when I was a child living here and tried trick or treating. Got doors slammed in my face, people saying “huh? I’m sorry I don’t know what you mean” and then I clearly remember one guy giving us walnuts cause that was all that they had. Dammit! This is so long it could have been a whole post!!

    Damn me and my rambling, not entirely sober mind!

    • The Brits are a stodgy bunch, eh?? Maybe Halloween is so big here because it originated with the Scots and Irish that came over after Culloden and during the famine and such. Not sure, but if people don’t want to deal, they just turn off their porch light. But most people in “suburban” neighborhoods put out decorations and participate.

      I do like the way you talk…”twigged” on to it?? That’s a new one, and I’ll have to borrow it.

      Tell Bubs I’m sorry. In my defense, I didn’t draw the mustache, just found it that way. Also, she’s not really MY queen, so I thought it would be acceptable.

      I like your rambling. You may ramble away at will!

  6. Oh this made me laugh! I love a kid who goes his own way. Nice work by the hubby too, glad you had a fun hallowen

  7. Glad to hear I’m not the only snarky bitch that will tell off a 6th grader for being a smart ass to my son. Bubby was Darth Vader for Halloween last year, except his light saber lit up red…nevermind the fact that it was made of white styrofoam and it was from the Dollar Store. No smart ass little brats made any comments though…My husband was dressed up like Darth Maul and looked pretty scary.

  8. It takes a genius to “personalize” Darth Vadar… Many fools conform – only greatness blazes his own path with a green saber to light the way!!

    So happy to hear he had a great Halloween and stayed out of the houses! And hooray for Dad!! Great (yet gentle) butt-kicking Daddy-O! 🙂

  9. What the. . . i could have sworn I already followed this blog. . .

  10. Yay for a mostly good Halloween. And yay for the hubby stepping up the snark factor! Also good to know that there may be hope for a year when my Connor won’t try to go into people’s houses, we’ll aspire to that for next year 🙂

  11. this is full of win.

    and seriously–i almost clocked a few kids Halloween night as they RACED from one house to another, in case the great candy famine of ’11 was going to start before they got there. And if one more tramp poked me with her fuckin fairy wings, i was gonna cut a bitch.

    fuckin kids.

    At least one house had sangria for the adults…

    • I totally can’t believe you just said “fuckin kids”….

      You and me, we’re like BFF….like Patsy and Edina.

      Damn, you’re funny.

      And why the hell were there not any cool Sangria people in my neighborhood?

  12. I hate brats!

    My son was Darth Vader before. He loves those Star Wars movies so much.

    He was also C3PO one year and wore the costume for a week straight.

  13. This is valuable information for me to store for upcoming years so that I’ll be fully prepared for the anti Vaders. Little schmos. I only went ninja once this year when a car load of uncostumed teenagers butted in front of MY four-year-old girl, in MY neighborhood to trick or treat. Suffice it say, I force fed them their pillow case candy bags.

  14. HAHA! I LOVE IT! Even though there were some jerky little kids around but I love your hubby for standing up.

    My son was Boba Fett 🙂

  15. OK, WTF with the little anal kids. I wish you could remember them and pass out all the shit candy to them. Call it educated karma. You should have told them, “well yeah, any light saber can be used to beat the shit out of you if you use it as a weapon.” That would give them something to think on.


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