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This is Really Random and Odd, and I Don’t Even Recommend That You Read It, Because What If You Don’t Come Back??

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DISCLAIMER:  If you are looking for a parenting/special needs blog to read today, you should go somewhere else.  Today I just wrote some weird, random shit, that doesn’t even really make total sense to me.  So why hit the “publish” button?  Because today I said (in my head, quietly), “Fuck it, that’s how I roll today.”  Also, maybe Axl Rose will read this and feel compelled to contact me and thank me for my kind thoughts.  (Axl, call me)

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Today I was worried about Axl Rose, for no particular reason. It’s not like I know him personally, and it’s not like I don’t have a few other things requiring my thoughts and attention. But still, I worried.

I’m aware, via Facebook updates, that he is off somewhere touring with the new and improved Guns ‘n Roses band. I’ve no idea who the members are, aside from Axl. For the last decade I’ve neglected to really pay much attention to the goings on of the band, or the interchangeable players. And during that time I’ve been courting others; the Foo Fighters, Black Eyed Peas, Pink, U2.

Still, Axl was a big part of my life for a while. Four times I saw them perform live, in their heyday. Once, in San Diego, I was in the 12th row. Axl and I had actual eye contact, and I’m pretty sure there were sparks. I wonder if he remembers?

So hot, he sizzles.

Do you ever have a sudden realization that something or someone is missing? You’re living your life, then all of a sudden you realize you haven’t seen so-and-so for months? Or what happened to that nice Polish family down the street? Did they move away and you just didn’t notice?? And then you realize you’ve been operating on auto-pilot, and have paid no attention to your surroundings for a very long time.

It’s like that with Axl.

Now, I know he’s notorious for his temper. Not having his demands met is a sure way to light the fuse.

And the control issues…we’ve all heard stories describing him as a dictator.

Extremely intelligent and extremely moody.

As difficult as he is talented.

Reclusive.

So there I was, just noticing all of a sudden that he wasn’t really around. Sure, there’s some touring in other countries. Maybe even in this country.  I don’t know.  But you don’t hear much about him, and you don’t see him around anywhere, or hear about him having a family or anything.

And that just makes me sad.

I hate to think of him, locked away in his ivory tower, consulting with his past-life regressionists, chakra alignment specialists, and chi interpreters. Snake oil salesmen, is what I think when I hear about these charlatans. Taking advantage of people with screwed up childhoods, and feeding their soul with false healing.

If I was Axl’s friend, I would set him up on a blind date, and instruct him to only talk about his date, and forbid him from talking about himself.

Then I would take him bowling with my family. Not right after his date, but maybe the next day. And we’d have lousy bowling alley nachos and beer. He and my husband would battle for ultimate pin dominance.

I’d bring him to work with me, and have him sit in the cubicle next to me for the day. We can bring packed lunches and eat our peanut butter sandwiches in the lunchroom. Then we’ll carpool home.

Hopefully this would all buoy his spirits, and place him back on the road to being a part of the world again. Perhaps he and Slash would reconcile, and new music would be born. Or maybe he would find someone to settle down with, and we would see random photos of him and his family eating at Bob’s Big Boy, or shopping at the Farmer’s Market.

And there would be one less thing for me to worry about.

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7 responses »

  1. for some reason the only comment that occurs to me after seeing Axl’s head superimposed over the top of some random bowler’s body is. . . “I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!!!” over and over and over, then Daniel Day Lewis bashing his head into a pulp with a bowling pin.

    Reply
  2. I wonder if Axl has the same bandana issues as Bret….

    This also made me feel incredibly old…because I remember going to the mall to buy a Guns n Roses TAPE with the money that earned dog walking.

    Reply
  3. Awwww!! Look at you, you big softie, worrying about poor Axl like that. I like the soft side of Flan. You are so sweet!

    OK, enough of that. I am LMAO at this post, and at the idea of Axl eating at Bob’s Big Boy with a wife he met at the strip club and a couple of bratty, tattooed step-children. You know if your scenario were ever to play out in real life, that’s exactly what it would look like. Only they would be eating at a Waffle House instead.

    And I can’t believe you saw Axl perform live four times. . .and he actually SHOWED UP to perform FOUR TIMES!!

    I know you’re all hottt in the pants for him, but where I live?? Axl is famously known as a “flaming turd.” If you would like to know the whole story behind this, I will have to write my own post explaining it. It’s a truly sad and hilarious tale.

    Personally I would be more worried about Steven Adler because if Celebrity Rehab ever gets cancelled he will have nowhere to live anymore.

    Seriously. Good. Post.

    Reply
  4. So hot, he sizzles. I damn near snorted my dinner with that one.

    For the love of all things good and holy Axl please call Flan and take her bowling and where ever and what ever she wants to do. If not I’m afraid she may be your “biggest fan” and like Misery, we all know how that ends. I’m just sayin.

    Reply
  5. I think this post qualifies for screenplay status. Especially the part about the food – crappy bowling alley nachos & office lunchroom peanut butter sandwiches would definitely change Axl’s life.

    Jim’s scene with Daniel Day Lewis could be worked in as well. Just don’t release the movie near Grace’s hometown, you’ll have a great new career that leads you back to California and all your worries will be gone.

    Reply
  6. Poor Axl! If only he’d met you before he recorded Chinese Democracy!

    Reply

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