Since corporate America rolled out the holiday fanfare about a week before Halloween (and by the way, fuck YOU corporate America), I thought it prudent to make haste with this handy what not to do guide for men that want to stay in their wife’s good graces.
That means if you are a man, and you do not live in a shabby cabin in rural Montana, then you should pay attention. If you have anyone with a vagina in your life (wife, mother, daughter, girlfriend, aunt, mail-order bride on back order), this should help keep you out of hot water for the holidays.
1. Don’t buy us slippers. We don’t need any more fucking slippers. In fact, if we do need slippers, we will buy our own. We don’t want you to buy them for us, because you will buy something that is either uncomfortable, itchy, ugly, or just plain stupid.
2. In keeping with the slipper theme, don’t buy us bathrobes. Again, we will get our own bathrobe that will be functional, comfortable, and stylish. A bathrobe that leaves my hoo-ha hanging out is not functional, just so you know. I will require something with pockets and a hood, so I can shuffle down the driveway for the paper, and keep my phone in my pocket for the inevitable call from our son’s school, where he will have set off a fire alarm, or “accidentally” removed the grab bar from the handicapped stall in the bathroom. Again.
3. Don’t even think about buying new pots or pans or kitchen appliances. I’m not going to cook you shit anyway, so why bother?
4. So help me, if I get an envelope with a card and a gift card, I will gut you like a carp. You are here 365 days a year, and if in all those days you couldn’t think of one thing to get me, you deserve that forthcoming food poisoning.
5. Why not try something new this year, and wrap your kid’s gifts? Or hey, why not go all out and consider schlepping to the store and buying the kid’s gifts?? You know, I would consider that endeavor to be a gift. I’m easy like that.
6. Nothing says “I love you” like vodka, except maybe scotch.
7. I didn’t order those three monogrammed Xmas stockings from the Pottery Barn because I wanted to wake up on Xmas morning, year after year, to an empty stocking. Stocking stuffers are not that hard: candy, cute socks (not slippers), desk calendar, etc. Don’t you dare put a box of condoms or batteries for my vibrator in there. It’s not funny.
8. Do not wait until December 24th to ask me what we’re having for Xmas dinner, only to say “oh, I didn’t really want ham.” Guess what, enjoy that bowl of Cheerios then, because the rest of us are having ham.
9. Don’t complain when I ask you to watch Christmas Vacation with me again. I already know we’ve seen it thirty times. That’s why they call it “tradition”, because you do it every damn year. It’s not my fault if you don’t understand the subtle genius and sheer complexity of cousin Eddy.
10. I don’t know why it is that you can assemble a complex home theater system, with 3 miles worth of wires and cords, but you can’t manage to wrap colored paper around a box and tape it down. Two words: Plan Ahead. Yeah, maybe try shopping before Xmas Eve, and you can get it on this great new thing they have, called Free Gift Wrapping.
I have given you ample time to study these helpful guidelines, to ensure that this holiday season doesn’t sting from bitter disappointment for the females in your life. For christsake, don’t blow it again.
Good luck men, I believe in you! *cough*