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Let’s Just Get This Out of the Way Now, Shall We???

Since corporate America rolled out the holiday fanfare about a week before Halloween (and by the way, fuck YOU corporate America), I thought it prudent to make haste with this handy what not to do guide for men that want to stay in their wife’s good graces.

That means if you are a man, and you do not live in a shabby cabin in rural Montana, then you should pay attention.  If you have anyone with a vagina in your life (wife, mother, daughter, girlfriend, aunt, mail-order bride on back order), this should help keep you out of hot water for the holidays.

1.  Don’t buy us slippers.  We don’t need any more fucking slippers.  In fact, if we do need slippers, we will buy our own.  We don’t want you to buy them for us, because you will buy something that is either uncomfortable, itchy, ugly, or just plain stupid.

Yes, I'm sure they WERE on sale, but that doesn't make it right.

2.  In keeping with the slipper theme, don’t buy us bathrobes.  Again, we will get our own bathrobe that will be functional, comfortable, and stylish.  A bathrobe that leaves my hoo-ha hanging out is not functional, just so you know.  I will require something with pockets and a hood, so I can shuffle down the driveway for the paper, and keep my phone in my pocket for the inevitable call from our son’s school, where he will have set off a fire alarm, or “accidentally” removed the grab bar from the handicapped stall in the bathroom.  Again.

Ohhhhh, look at all that functionality. You can even wear it to the beach!

3.  Don’t even think about buying new pots or pans or kitchen appliances.  I’m not going to cook you shit anyway, so why bother?

4.  So help me, if I get an envelope with a card and a gift card, I will gut you like a carp.  You are here 365 days a year, and if in all those days you couldn’t think of one thing to get me, you deserve that forthcoming food poisoning.

5.  Why not try something new this year, and wrap your kid’s gifts?  Or hey, why not go all out and consider schlepping to the store and buying the kid’s gifts??  You know, I would consider that endeavor to be a gift.  I’m easy like that.

6.  Nothing says “I love you” like vodka, except maybe scotch.

A "win" for everyone!!

7.  I didn’t order those three monogrammed Xmas stockings from the Pottery Barn because I wanted to wake up on Xmas morning, year after year, to an empty stocking.  Stocking stuffers are not that hard:  candy, cute socks (not slippers), desk calendar, etc.  Don’t you dare put a box of condoms or batteries for my vibrator in there.  It’s not funny.

Looks like candy, tastes like spermicide.

8.  Do not wait until December 24th to ask me what we’re having for Xmas dinner, only to say “oh, I didn’t really want ham.”  Guess what, enjoy that bowl of Cheerios then, because the rest of us are having ham.

9.  Don’t complain when I ask you to watch Christmas Vacation with me again.  I already know we’ve seen it thirty times.  That’s why they call it “tradition”, because you do it every damn year.  It’s not my fault if you don’t understand the subtle genius and sheer complexity of cousin Eddy.

It's just not Xmas without Cousin Ed.

10.  I don’t know why it is that you can assemble a complex home theater system, with 3 miles worth of wires and cords, but you can’t manage to wrap colored paper around a box and tape it down.  Two words:  Plan Ahead.  Yeah, maybe try shopping before Xmas Eve, and you can get it on this great new thing they have, called Free Gift Wrapping.

Stupid dick.

Rocket Scientist at work.

I have given you ample time to study these helpful guidelines, to ensure that this holiday season doesn’t sting from bitter disappointment for the females in your life.  For christsake, don’t blow it again.

Good luck men, I believe in you!  *cough*



About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

26 responses »

  1. yes, i love the “what are we getting our kid this year?” question.

  2. You + Me = Twins!

    Love, love, LOVE this post! Might be because we all just got new stockings from Pottery Barn. Might be because I freaking LOVE “Christmas Vacation.” Might be because if I get one more pair of slippers that don’t fit or look like giant potatos I WILL shove them in someone’s asshole. Pick one. They’re ALL true! 😉

  3. I say if in doubt, head to a store where everything comes in little green boxes and can be engraved. Preferably with how expensive it was.

  4. Um…you’ve just nailed like 4 of my husband’s gifts to me LOL – I’m going to forward this to him. And yet, if he bought me a case of my favorite wine, I’d be the happiest gal in the world. Why don’t men figure that out??

    And where did you get that picture of me strolling on the beach in my bathrobe? 😉

  5. Does your husband read your blog?

  6. I actually start giving my hubby good ideas of gifts for me some time around Sept 30th and still every year I get NONE of the things I had on my wish list. Then he argues with me that I never told him any of those things. Gotta love em. (Right?)

  7. Do you watch A Christmas Story every year?!? We do, or I do. My husband is all, “we’ve seen this every year…why do we have to watch it again?” All kicking and screaming like I’m pulling his nuts off without novocaine. It’s called tradition, a-hole. Tradition.

    And 20 bucks says I get slippers that are not wrapped and an empty stocking…..

  8. Brian, are you there? Are you reading this?

    Thanks Flannery. 🙂

  9. You + Me + Kelly = Triplets!! ROFLMAO!!! You totally nailed it! I got the shittiest slippers ever last year – when I threw them at him? He tried to give them to my stepdaughter who also rejected them in the exact same manner! He does not wrap, leaves the f-ing stocking empty every year and has no clue what we bought our child for Christmas!

    OMG – It just occurred to me – do we all share the same polygamist hubby?!! 😉

    (This is getting printed for my/our hubs too!)

  10. Okayh……..lots of estrogen here. Next blogg………

  11. Holy cruddles, this post made me laugh… I may have to sue for for giving me yet another hernia!! But everything you wrote is so so true… Do you think I could send this to the adored Bubs without hurting his feelings considering the last two valetines gifts I got were BLEEPING stupid looking, ridiculously uncomfortable animal shaped slippers??? I know I like kitschy stuff, but lets not exaggerate!!

    And hell yeah!! Nothing says “I love you” more than a bottle of Vodka (or taking the kids out for an extended period of time, say, till their 18?? I jest… Kind of…)

  12. Well, next time you kick me in the nuts, please don’t send out a written notice for all the blogesphere to watch, point, and laugh!

    I’d love to sit here and do a line-by-line rebuttal, but I’m afraid I’d be receiving a syringe of propofol for breakfast.

    I hear ya! Loud and clear!

    Oh, the fucking robe was Charter Club, and the goddamn slippers were Eddie Bauer!

  13. HA! I am sooooo sending this to my husband right now!

  14. Printing this out and taping it to my husband’s laptop, desk, and perhaps his forehead!

  15. This is hysterial! And so true. I wonder how I could get this link to my hubby anonymously?

  16. Why does blogger not want me to see your updates even though I follow your blog?

    My wife wants slippers this year. Take it up with her.

    You have never gutted a carp in your life.

    I used to live in Montana.

  17. Do you mean to tell me batteries and condoms are NOT acceptable Christmas gifts?? Damn. I think I got bamboozled last year.

  18. Hahahahahahaha!!! OMG! I am laughing so hard right now, I may need my inhaler. I am going to leave this up on my monitor for certain eyes to see.

    It’s not that hard to gut a carp, even if you’ve never done it, but it’s very messy, so keep that in mind. 🙂

  19. Pingback: Men, THIS is What We Want for the Holidays « Living on the Spectrum: The Connor Chronicles

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