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Things I Learned Over My Thanksgiving Holiday

Four luxurious days off with the famdamily provides many, many learning experiences.  Here are my most treasured highlights:

1.  45 minutes is not enough time for a picky eater to finish 2-ounces of turkey, a spoonful of stuffing, and a small portion of green beans.  45-seconds is ample time, however, to stuff a buttered dinner biscuit into his mouth and swallow it almost without chewing.

2.  Chocolate silk pie from Marie Calendar’s does not really taste like silk.  It tastes more like a concoction that contains an entire bottle of Hershey’s syrup, and will make you sick.  Unless you’re six-years-0ld, and you will consume almost anything with whipped cream on top.

You'll be sorry, I promise you.

3.  A 35-pound dingo will try to take a turkey leg right out of a grown man’s hand.  The dingo will lose.  Then the dingo will be sentenced to solitary confinement for the rest of the night.

4.  A child will not hear you say “wash your hands” 173 times over four days.  But the one time in four days that you say “son of a bitch”, he will hear that and promptly ask you what a bitch is.

Wash those disgusting things!

5.  Nothing infuses a child with joy and exhilaration like Xmas decorations.  A child will become so moved by the sight, that they will run to the back door (with absolutely no warning whatsoever), throw it open, and shout to the world, “Merry Xmas EVERYONE!”

6.  The very same husband who laments the commercialism and corporate greed of the holidays all through October will be the one that views the Xmas tree with a critical eye, and then will say, with a completely serious face that “it needs more sparkle, don’t we have more sparkle?”  He will also wrap twinkle lights around every bush and tree in the front yard.

My husband.

7.  One cannot see the Lord of the Rings movies enough, judging by the fact that they were playing on a continuous 48-hour loop on one of the cable channels, and each night we would happily sit down and watch whichever one was on.

What's not to love?

8.  Frodo was a pussy.  The real hero was Samwise Gamgee.

Stupid pussy, almost fucked it up for everyone.

9.  There is such a thing as too much pumpkin pie.

10.  Taking your six-year-old downtown to hand out sandwiches to homeless people sounds good in theory, but in practice it means that he will ask random yuppie joggers and scruffy college students if they need a sandwich.  He will spend the rest of the time complaining about being bored and asking repetitively if he can have one of the sandwiches because he is soooooo hungry.

I hope you all had a pleasant, stress-free Thanksgiving!!


About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

20 responses »

  1. I swear I thought you were writing about my son. Can’t get the kid to eat a damn thing and god help me if he remembers to wash his hands after going potty without me asking 27 times. But sure enough the minute my wife let the word “ass” slip out of her mouth that’s all he can say.

    Rob, the mainland

  2. What was up with that loop of Lord of the Rings movies paying all weekend?! Geesh! HA HA

    By the way, you need to curse more! It will desensitize (sp?) the kid. One day he won’t even notice the curse words anymore. That’s my theory anyway…

  3. Those Marie Calendar boxes make those pies look soooo good, don’t they?? I skipped the Chocolate Silk in favor of the Lemon Meringue. It was so tart my eyeballs almost popped right out of my skull. Should’ve gone with my first choice because, yes, I will eat anything with whipped cream on top.

    Your husband is Clark W. Griswold. Haha.

  4. Yes, Frodo was definitely a pussy. As soon as I saw “Rudy” appear, I knew who the true hero would be.

  5. hate Samwise. Soooo much crying. Sooo much saying “I love you Frodo”. Ugh. Get a fucking hobbit hole already.

  6. The Whole Lord of the Rings thing is just one more reason why I’m glad we don’t have cable.

    Just for giggles, I made Turtle instant pudding – it tasted like Kahlua (which isn’t a bad thing, except that there’s no alcohol involved). I mixed mine with Cool Whip to tone down the flavor.

    Since when does Turtle flavor mean coffee-like?

  7. As always…thank you for the laughter. Happy Holidays? If there is such a thing???

  8. And hey! Why isn’t my blog over there???>>>>> Get busy woman!

  9. 1, 2 and 4 – identical over here. Why were they separated at birth? Why were we?!

    I LOVE that he opened the door and wished everyone a Merry Christmas – sooo cute!

    You really made and handed out sandwiches to the homeless? You are my hero. ❤

  10. Karla (Mom2MissK)

    Let’s add one more to the list – because if it’s not you making a little verbal slip once in a while, it’s the childless relatives peppering the conversation with the occasional f-bomb. Nothing says Thanksgiving like new language skills from the cute preschooler with the trucker mouth!

  11. Clark F’ing Griswold honey?!? Really??!! Fine, I’ll take it as a compliment. Right???
    Frodo=pussy for sure! All the damn crying from Samwise was actual pent up frustration from not being able to kick the ring bearers ass!!

  12. Damn straight that Clark Griswald is a compliment. Actually it is the highest achievement that one could aspire to. Loved the list.

  13. I agree that Frodo in the movie was a total pussy, but decided to do the research just to make sure (I’m the thorough sort). Much to my surprise I found out that… Wait, what? Samwise is Batman? WTF?

  14. Frodo is a cutie though. Such pretty blue eyes…

  15. HA! Great tips – good to know about Marie Calendar’s…

    Frodo is kind of wuss isn’t he? He’d be nothing without trusty Sam Wise.

  16. Ha!! I’m with you on # 9! Surprising, but true… I found out about it this year for the first time…

  17. I know, Lord of the Rings was on for like 5 days straight. The only thing that made up for the fact Fordo was a pussy is that the elf was HOT, HOT, HOT and Aragorn makes me swoon.

    And all my extended family left so I’m happy.

  18. I’m trying to catch up on the thousands of posts in my google Reader, and I’m so glad I came here. I needed to smile today–thanks!!!!


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