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Johnny Knoxville Will Never Run Out of “Jackass” Associates

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I’m not sure if I should blame the cat or not.  I don’t really believe in such superstition, but it’s one helluva coincidence.

My friend is moving away, so I took her to dinner Sunday night.  On the way back to my house, a cat darted across the street in front of me.

“That’s a bad sign, that cat was black,” my friend gasped.

Cats, they're the devil's minion.

“You know I don’t believe in that superstitious crap,” I replied, “but that cat has to compete with the big black cloud that is always hovering over my head.”

It never goes away...

My cell phone started ringing as I pulled in the driveway, it was Auntie.

“There’s been an emergency, and Connor needs to go to the ER for stitches.”

What?!  “I’m in the driveway, be there in a second.”

As soon as I opened the door, I heard his screaming.  I ran into the bathroom, and found Connor lying on the floor, surrounded by blood.  Hubs was holding a bandage to his head and applying pressure.

In the car, on the way to the ER, I got the story.  Hubs sent Connor to the bathroom to brush his teeth before bed.  Since Connor can get distracted by lint, he immediately got into the bathtub and started jumping over the tub wall, like a kangaroo.  Because…well, because it’s more entertaining than brushing your teeth, I guess.  And apparently he caught his foot, and came down and hit his head on either the sink or toilet.  When I asked him what he hit his head on, he said “I don’t know, I didn’t see it coming.”

Ironically, I just had a conversation with him last week about why we don’t jump out of the tub.

“Because you could fall and hit your head and bust it open.”

“Would it bleed?”

“Of course it would bleed,” I sputtered.

“Well how would it stop?”

“You would have to go to the emergency room and the doctor would have to sew stitches in your head.”

And that’s exactly what they did.

Jumping out of the tub is almost always a bad idea.

Honestly, he was pretty much a trooper.  Except when he got annoyed that there was a crying baby in there.  Explanations of “it’s a sick baby, he can’t help that he’s crying” were lost on him.  Why is it that he can make noise like a construction crew, but if someone else makes noise he loses his shit??

They had to strap him to one of those papoose boards.  After it was done, he surprised me by exhibiting a firm grasp on sarcasm.

“Thanks mom, THANK YOU for taking me to the emergency room and letting them strap me to the papoose board.  THANK YOU for letting me be strapped down and not able to move.”

Yeah, yeah, I know it was a stressful night for him.  Scary and all that.  Still, do I need that attitude??  I mean, it was all I could do not to yack up all the surf and turf I’d had.

Two days later, the Vice Principal called me.  He was concerned for Connor’s safety because he had been STANDING ON THE TOILET IN THE BATHROOM.  Again.  And could I please speak with him?

Oh yes, yes I can.

“Hello, Connor?  Remember how you jumped out of the tub the other night and cracked your head open and bled all over the place?  Remember how you had to go to the ER and get strapped down and have stitches sewn into your head?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Was that fun for you?  Did you like doing that?  Are you wanting to do that again?”

“No.”

“THEN STAY OFF THE DAMN TOILET BEFORE YOU CRACK SOMETHING ELSE OPEN!!”

“okay.”

I’m thinking he may just need to wear a helmet wherever he goes.  Maybe when he’s older he can get a job on one of those Jackass movies.  At least it would be a job.

Look ma, no helmet!!

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About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

15 responses »

  1. Oh I think that our boys would get along just splendidly! Norrin LOVES jumping in the tub. Sigh…I am almost certain a trip to the ER is our future.

    Glad Connor did so well!

    Reply
  2. I’m sorry Flan but you are destined for many a visit to the ER. Best to play nice with the ER nurses and docs—you’re going to be seeing them again. Just think, you can you this as a weight loss method. That had to have scared the crap right out of you and about 500 calories. Although it may have taken a year or two off your life…..

    OK, in all seriousness, does he get the danger involved or is he just having jun? It sounds like he’s just tooling around. Thing is, when Alex was taken to the Principal he thought it was a reward. A REWARD to go see where the big lady sat/worked. Totally backfired. Maybe they need to sour the milk??? I don’t know. Sounds like they need someone to be with him when he goes to the boys room—this isn’t the first time he’s tried to disassemble it. Sigh. I’m still thinking on this……

    Reply
    • Oh, they’ve done the one-on-one bathroom trips, and he still messed around in the bathroom. For some reason they thought they could stop, because he was doing well. Sigh. I have nightmares of a 30-year-old man tumbling around in a dirty public bathroom and getting arrested.

      Reply
  3. He could never get a job on Jackass – he’s too cute! Even with those nasty stitches on his head, he is so friggin’ adorable – look at those lashes.

    As for the sarcasm – wow, I cannot imagine where he gets that from!

    I make T wear those rubber gripper socks in our house – just to give him some traction since he had the black eye. Maybe Conner just needs more traction? 😉

    Reply
  4. Gah.

    Head wounds are the worst.

    Glad he’s doing better and that you managed to maintain your composure and not barf.

    XO

    Reply
  5. That is EXACTLY the kind of stuff my son used to do. He is 17 now, and for the most part he has stopped ‘ice skating’ in the bathtub. Good luck!

    Reply
  6. Oh Sweet Jesus. Would it be considered bad form to just keep him strapped to that papoose thing until say, the age of 40? Just spitballin’ here.

    Reply
    • Not only have I thought of that, I’ve also threatened him with it. “Remember that papoose?? Do you want me to get one at home to strap you to so you will sit still and do homework??” LOL.

      Reply
  7. Ouch.

    I know it’s dangerous and all, but there are really a lot worse things Connor could be doing than standing on the toilet. The thing that’s pissing me off about it at this point is that this is an ongoing issue for him, yet they keep calling YOU and asking YOU to talk to him. Because YOU have all the answers, and this is really YOUR problem, not theirs. Right? OK, I just spewed a bunch of my own crap there. Sorry.

    I hope to never see your son on Jackass. I’ve only seen one Jackass movie my entire life, and I actually had to leave the room at one point because I was gagging so bad I seriously thought I was gonna puke. My friends were laughing at me harder than at the movie.

    Reply
    • Girrrrrrl, tell me about it. Since the call on Tuesday, I’ve been considering calling another IEP to demand that they include an intervention in his behavior plan to address the bathroom issues. They have a policy where they always contact the parents for unsafe behavior, but if an appropriate intervention was in place, then we would see the behavior decrease and, ultimately, be eliminated.

      And if I did have all the answers, he wouldn’t have stitches in his noggin right now. Believe me, I put the blame on us because we know he gets off task easily, and should not have let him be in the bathroom unattended. We just didn’t bargain on there being gymnastics shenanigans going on.

      And yeah, those Jackass guys are scary.

      Reply
  8. OH MAN WAS I CRINGING!!! Good grief. I’m glad Connor is okay, but seriously, you could swap the name Connor for Ella and it could be a story about my daughter, who today has already hurt her “poodle” and dragged a chair across her toe. Much wailing. Seriously, calm kid myself, I hardly ever got the BIG BOOBOO. Why can’t everyone else be like that?!? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYY???

    Reply

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