Like me, you probably remember exactly where you were when you heard the news that Hostess was declaring bankruptcy. I’m pretty sure the world stood still. Panic crept through my body quickly. My thoughts raced, wondering what would happen if Hostess was no more. An unsettling thought crept in. Little Debbie.
Growing up, it was no small feat to get my budget-conscious mom to deviate from her task of getting only grocery items of merit; meat, bread, milk. Sometimes fortune smiled upon me when I was able to verbally wear her down, and get her to agree to buy a non-essential item, like snack cakes.
Hostess snack cakes. We were a Hostess family. No Little Debbie, or weird, off-brand snack cakes for us.
I still remember when the Ding Dongs were individually wrapped in aluminum foil. I miss those days. And the Twinkies, they came in a white wrapper. A major part of the Twinkie ritual involved scraping my finger along the paper, to capture the stray bits of creamy cake goodness that was smeared on the wrapper. The new wrappers are a clear, thin plastic, and you just can’t get all the remnants because it gets all crinkley.
I think this is the fatal flaw in the Hostess plan. The undoing of a giant.
Facing the very real possibility of a full-scale snack cake Armageddon, I formulated a plan. Snack cake reconnaissance.
In the Target snack cake aisle, I got a box of Ding Dongs and a box of Twinkies. Staring at those Little Debbie boxes, her smug little freckled-face, I just couldn’t bring myself to willingly let her have one damn nickel. And then I noticed something I hadn’t seen before.
“That toothless, inbred, snack cake WHORE!!!!”” People in the aisle turned to look. I didn’t care. That little cake-twat had blatantly STOLEN the entire Twinkie likeness! Like that girl did to Kim Kardashian! I was definitely not buying her crap cakes now.
My plans might have been laid waste right there, but as it turns out, I have a pregnant co-worker. And she decided to go on a snack cake buying binge the other day. She, being of a questionable family background, bought a mixed bag of Hostess AND Little Cunt Cakes (yeah, I wrote that word…I’m passionate about snack cakes).
So here, at last, was my chance. Facing an uncertain snack cake future, I knew it had to be done. And I couldn’t let Connor take part in this. He’s been fully indoctrinated on Hostess, but to be honest, he’s pretty much like a crack-head when it comes to cake products. It would be wrong to subject him to a lesser, inferior cake product, and risk the possibility of him getting hooked on crack-cakes.
I refused to consider sampling the “Cloud Cakes”, so I chose a non-Hostess-stolen, indiscriminate item.