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I’ll Never Let Go, Hostess

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Like me, you probably remember exactly where you were when you heard the news that Hostess was declaring bankruptcy.  I’m pretty sure the world stood still.  Panic crept through my body quickly.  My thoughts raced, wondering what would happen if Hostess was no more.  An unsettling thought crept in.  Little Debbie.

Growing up, it was no small feat to get my budget-conscious mom to deviate from her task of getting only grocery items of merit; meat, bread, milk.  Sometimes fortune smiled upon me when I was able to verbally wear her down, and get her to agree to buy a non-essential item, like snack cakes.

Hostess snack cakes.  We were a Hostess family.  No Little Debbie, or weird, off-brand snack cakes for us. 

I still remember when the Ding Dongs were individually wrapped in aluminum foil.  I miss those days.  And the Twinkies, they came in a white wrapper.  A major part of the Twinkie ritual involved scraping my finger along the paper, to capture the stray bits of creamy cake goodness that was smeared on the wrapper.  The new wrappers are a clear, thin plastic, and you just can’t get all the remnants because it gets all crinkley.

For the sophisticated palette.

I think this is the fatal flaw in the Hostess plan.  The undoing of a giant.

Facing the very real possibility of a full-scale snack cake Armageddon, I formulated a plan.  Snack cake reconnaissance.

In the Target snack cake aisle, I got a box of Ding Dongs and a box of Twinkies.  Staring at those Little Debbie boxes, her smug little freckled-face, I just couldn’t bring myself to willingly let her have one damn nickel.  And then I noticed something I hadn’t seen before.

What the fuck, Little Debbie, What. The Fuck??!!

“That toothless, inbred, snack cake WHORE!!!!””  People in the aisle turned to look.  I didn’t care.  That little cake-twat had blatantly STOLEN the entire Twinkie likeness!  Like that girl did to Kim Kardashian!  I was definitely not buying her crap cakes now.

My plans might have been laid waste right there, but as it turns out, I have a pregnant co-worker.  And she decided to go on a snack cake buying binge the other day.  She, being of a questionable family background, bought a mixed bag of Hostess AND Little Cunt Cakes (yeah, I wrote that word…I’m passionate about snack cakes).

So here, at last, was my chance.  Facing an uncertain snack cake future, I knew it had to be done.  And I couldn’t let Connor take part in this.  He’s been fully indoctrinated on Hostess, but to be honest, he’s pretty much like a crack-head when it comes to cake products.  It would be wrong to subject him to a lesser, inferior cake product, and risk the possibility of him getting hooked on crack-cakes.

I refused to consider sampling the “Cloud Cakes”, so I chose a non-Hostess-stolen, indiscriminate item. 

Oh look, an item that doesn't appear to be STOLEN from Hostess.

Ashamed to allow my family to witness me at this low point, I covertly ate the traitor-cakes in the car, on the way home from work.
They weren’t awful.
No, no, no. I know what you’re thinking.  But they were clearly sub-par to any Hostess snack cake.  Are they reasonable, in times of crisis?  Well, yes.  Yes, in a post-apocalyptic snack cake world, they would be adequate.  Not AWESOME, just adequate.
It’s not what I want, people.  But if this thing goes down, I’m not just going to lay down and die.  Me, my family, we are survivors.  We will go on.  If that means second-rate skank cakes, then so be it.
I did this for you, too. In this uncertain climate, we needed to know.  But remember, if the worst happens and we have to eat her shit cakes, it doesn’t mean we have to like her.

About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

20 responses »

  1. Look, Little Debbie is crap. If you get really desperate, lemme know and I will overnight you some TastyKakes. You can’t get them in your part of the world. I will totally do this for you because no friend of mine should ever be reduced to eating cunt cakes. Unless that’s what you’re into.

    • Ohhhhh, I don’t think I have explored this Tastykake of which you speak. I am intrigued by this. Maybe for my birthday you will send me some of these “Tasty” cakes??

  2. THANKS, now I have to sneak out from my mom’s house at 10:00PM to go and get some snacky cakes from the grocery store across the street, after I rinse the pee off of my legs and change my pants/underwear from laughing so hard. Check it out though, you can keep the Hostess tradition alive in your family, seeing as how they have recipes on their website. Well I’m on my way to the store (giving the double bird squat to my PMS).

    *heart* – C

  3. Oh my Lord. It’s much too early to be laughing this hard.I will never look at Little Debbie the same way again. And to think, my husband has spent countless hours with her crunchy, chocolatey, peanut buttery self in his mouth.

    Suzy Qs all the way!!

  4. Where was I when the news broke?! YOU broke the news to me!!! Ohhh noooooo!!!

    While I’m still in this state of shock, I will say that there will probably be an underground lab that continues to make the Ding Dongs & cupcakes in the bathtub- I mean kitchen. You will have to have connections and be able tokeep a secret. And how long do you think a frozen Twinkie will stay good for?!

    Thanks for checking the enemy. I don’t think I could bring myself to do it. You are a soldier. But really?! Will adequatebe enough? Maybe with a good dose of booze, one could pop a few in an emergency…

  5. I heard that rumor and I’m not believing it. I like to live in denial and damn-it quit making me face the facts. This is not an intervention so leave me alone and let me keep believing Hostess lives on. Or is this an intervention??? NO, I WON’t GO THERE. LEAVE ME BE.

    And Little Debbie is a whore. I bet she knows Strawberry Hill.

    Now I’m off to the Hostess Bakery Thrift Store. Oh yeah, we have those. I’m going to stock my house and freezers full like its Armageddon.

    • Dawn assures me that we will not be inconvenienced in any way during this bankruptcy crisis, so you may resume normal activity. But I would go ahead and stock up anyway, in case of the zombie apocalypse.

  6. first of all, my ass has fallen directly off my body due to my convulsive fits of laughter. she is SUCH a whore.

    second–i listened to an economic report on just this issue–as it affects all of us—and the “experts” said that a) Hostess has done this before (it’s their third bankruptcy) so that b) it doesn’t mean they will go out of business. It’s just their way of closing up factories, changing up their investments, yada yada yada (i was convinced at A and stopped listening)

    So there is no need to visit that whore at all. Your twinkies are safe, ma’am.

  7. The one question I have is, what the heck am I (not to mention Woody Harrelson) going to eat when the Zombie Apocalypse comes around?

  8. Ha ha, I needed a laugh today. I will never look at Little Debbie the same way again. 🙂

  9. Karla (Mom2MissK)

    Well, dammit! I just wasted good cheap wine after snorting a good swig out my nose laughing. And now, midway into the great blizzard of 2012, half in the bag, and reeking of snot-laced wine, I feel the compelling urge to go buy me some Twinkies at the local Speedway.

    Imma buy me some Little Debbies too and throw ’em in the street to keep my tires from slipping on the ice… Do you think they’re biodegradable?

  10. You had me at “cake-twat.” ❤

  11. Pingback: Keepin’ It Real in the Autism Hood « Living on the Spectrum: The Connor Chronicles

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