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How to Fuck Up Your Day in Three Easy Steps

Step 1:

Pick out a button-down shirt for your child to wear.  Yes, as a matter-of-fact you DO realize he hasn’t worn a button-down shirt for months.  Maybe a year.  And no, don’t let the fact that he has trouble with buttons deter you from choosing the button-down shirt.  When mini-meltdown ensues, stubbornly refuse to let him choose a different shirt because THERE ARE BUTTONS IN THE WORLD, and we must learn how to coexist peacefully with them, so PUT THE DAMN SHIRT ON.

Step 2:

Stare blankly at your child when he tells you the Chuck Taylor’s are too tight and hurt his feet.  Yes, the very same shoes he wore last week, with no discernible difficulty.  Try to change topics and distract him from focusing on his angst over your footwear choice.  Insist that the shoes match the shirt and THAT IS THAT.

Step 3:

Be sure to follow the two steps above on a day when you have this note:

No pressure here.

And really, that’s all there is to it.  Grit your teeth, wrap your fingers around the steering wheel in a death grip, and try not to leave tire marks when you peel out of the school parking lot because you were just berated for buying Kashi cereal bars, instead of the ONLY CEREAL BAR choice, Nutrigrain.

And try really, really hard to stop thinking of your child as a fire-breathing dragon.


About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

12 responses »

  1. Oh my. I have had these days. Go get a coffee…and chocolate.

    I dunno.. Connor makes a cute dragon. 🙂

  2. confessionsfromhh6

    I”m confused by the note. His class day is on Tuesday, but he also needs to be at school by 7:30 on Friday? Is it both days or just Tuesday? Do they like fucking with you even more?

  3. Baahaahaa…oops sorry about that. ;P Thanks for starting my day off with a chuckle. I think we took the same parenting classes.

  4. As if I needed a tutorial on how to eff up my day! Nevertheless, I always like to see if I’ve been outperformed. 😉
    Let me know what time they call you to pick Connor up. Because I’m thinking it will be before the end of the day- either that or your school does not adhere to that whole “no shirt no shoes, no service” theme….

  5. Awww…I’m sorry your day has started so amazingly craptasticly. It may be a new record. We’re wearing long pants here, and I swear to god, my kids have forgotten how to put them on in the last year. You know, because it’s “so different from shorts!!” SMH

  6. Oh, sheesh. Sounds so much like days here, except that Danny owns only 2 button down shirts and he only wears them for church. He is seriously picky about his clothes. Hope your day gets better.

  7. So had days like this. Love the last picture!

  8. Oh yes…I have many of those mornings too. Hoping tomorrow is better!

  9. Well, I’m late to the party — as usual… so I can only say that I hope it went better than it started!

  10. Hope the day ended better than it started. We’ve had a lot of days like that already this year. Second grade is not going so well so far. I am dreading the SEP conference tonight, and have much terror regarding the upcoming IEP in November…*sigh*

  11. Fucking singing on the announcements at 7:30 in the morning with two tight chucks, buttons AND Kashi that is Autism hell.

  12. Love it! Needed a laugh.


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