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You ARE a Fighter

Do me a favor?

I’ve been hearing some desperate words around the Interwebz lately.  So listen to this, will you?  It’s my favorite song.   I think you’ll relate.

.

“The hardest part of ending is starting all again.”

“Holding on to what I haven’t got.”

“It’s out of my control.”

For me, this song is about how it feels to be an autism/special needs parent.  That may not have been Linkin Park’s intention, but this is how I relate to it.  Is this not how we feel, struggling with something out of our control, holding onto visions of what we thought our child would be, starting it all again each new day?

“We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we’re holding onto something that’s invisible there
Cause we’re living at the mercy of the pain and the fear…”

Our fists ARE flying up in the air–in IEP meetings, at doctor’s appointments, with insurance companies.  Because we have no choice.  And that brings us back to “living at the mercy of the pain and the fear.”  My GOD, to live with that mountain on your shoulders every single day, it’s unfathomable.

“Waiting for the end to come, wishing I had strength to stand…”

Always, always waiting for this madness to end.  This obstacle, whatever it is today, it just needs to stop.  Because somehow I’ve got to get up, we’ve got to keep moving or it all falls down, like a house of cards.

And we do.

That’s what’s amazing.  You.  Somehow, despite the absurdity of how HARD it all is, and how little you have left–WE have left, we keep moving.

You should go to the mirror right now, and take a look.  See past the wrinkles, creases, dark circles, grey hair, jiggly skin and red eyes.  See how incredible you are because you get up and do this every single day, no matter how hard it is, now matter how much you want to throw in the towel, no matter how unfair it all is.

While you do that, could you do me another favor?  Could you play this while you’re at the mirror?

“If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
And when your bones can’t take no more (c’mon)
Just remember what you’re here for
Cuz I know Imma damn sure

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life ’til we’re dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they’ll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That’s what they’ll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one’s a fighter…”

You.  Me.  Us.  Keep fighting.

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About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

11 responses »

  1. Thank you.
    So so so much.

    Reply
  2. Ok Flan, I will look in the mirror and see past all the flab, red eyes and wrinkles. But. But.
    You have to do the same too. Mkay???

    xxoo

    Reply
  3. But… but… what if you’re afraid of mirrors? Do they make a song for that?

    This was pure awesome. Thank you so much, let’s all never stop saying these things to each other. Because some days they really do make the difference between making it through and ending up in a heap on the floor.

    Reply
  4. It’s 5 am on Friday morning that I finally have a peaceful moment to read this while giving my kid his asthma treatment and commenting on my phone with one hand. Tears, my friend – cuz this is soooo true. Love you for it! xo

    Reply
  5. Most excellent. I’m so glad I have you (and so many others) to help me see past those wrinkles et al and to help me get back up every day.

    Reply
  6. Now I’m all psyched up, I’m totally going to go punch someone!

    Reply
  7. Eye of the tiger, baby. Or, you know, what you said. It is all so very true.

    Reply
  8. Needed this the day you posted as I decided to enter into debate in the media with my name and picture with other autism parents in Iceland i find it hard not to be anonymous anymore…but for my kid and those who come after me we have to speak up as hard as it is..(so nice when someone else does the job)…hopefully we will get some changes

    Reply
  9. OMG *chills* OK If I had a blog I def would have written exactly this already. Linkin Park’s my fave from way back in the day when Hybrid Theory first came out&I was a young,wild&free chicklet! Lol
    Still know every song by heart from both Hybrid Theory&Meteora. (Also the band Staind. Chk out old school Staind songs!)
    Im obsessed w the newest Linkin Park album (Living Things). My wonderful tech savvy husband somehow was able2download it2my iTunes for free. So he downloaded ALL their albums4me. So many of my old faves still held such strong meaning for me but in a new way. Also discovered songs unknown back then that now, r incredibly powerful! As soon as I heard “Waiting for the End” I immediately felt the same way as u. I listen to that one all the time-it certainly hits home. Some help me release deep feelings & some truly inspire. The Linkin Park songs that (for me) are profoundly relevant to the “autism-momma” life are:
    •Shadow of the Day
    •The Messenger
    •Burning in the Skies
    •In my Remains (living things)
    •Roads Untraveled (living things)
    But the NUMBER 1 song that personally captures our autism journey best is “Iridescent”. This song strikes a chord in me like no other & brings me to tears almost every time. Good tears though. BC I look at my son now-nearly recovered at 7yo,in gr8 health,thriving, achieving…I see where he is now but remember how hard it was to get here. I think about the 4 long years of struggle, dedication, sadness& frustration…I remember it all, as it will4 ever be etched in my mind. But, but then? Then, I LET IT GO!!
    I…let.it.go… Just let it go!
    Playing Iridescent, our theme song, multiple times a day has helped me so much. And as an autism mom, music has been VERY therapeutic for me. ESP blasting loud as I drive in the car alone. I highly recommend it! 🙂

    Reply

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