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Men, THIS is What We Want for the Holidays

Last year I compiled a handy list of Things We Do Not Want for Christmas, for the men in our lives.

This year I thought it would MORE helpful if I just compiled a list of the things we DO want for Christmas.  This way, there’s virtually no room for error.  Unless you don’t listen.  Again.

1.  Give us the gift of time by taking the initiative to pack the kids’ lunches once in a while.  Maybe go the extra mile and commit to doing it once a week.  Caveat:  it doesn’t count if you have to ask us where the Ziploc bags are kept, or what kind of juice box to pack..

2.  To cut down on the amount of times you have to ask, “What’s for dinner?”, maybe you could do the grocery shopping every once in a while?  Please keep in mind that we don’t want hot wings more than one time in a week, and Doritos don’t really count as a side dish.

3.  Jewelry is almost always a safe bet as a gift.  I say “almost” because, well, even jewelry can take a bad turn.

Always use common sense and steer clear of farm animal-themed jewelry.

Always use common sense and steer clear of farm animal-themed jewelry.

4.  Since we devote most of our time to our family, and feel terribly guilty splurging on ourselves, a really nice handbag is something we never buy.  “Really nice” does not imply a purse that could be found in Wal-mart or Target.  Go to a department store.  Macy’s is a safe bet.  Ask the saleswoman to help you pick out a nice, quality purse with a style that can go year-round.  Because you know we don’t have time to swap out our purses with every outfit, or even every season.  We’re too busy for that.

5.  We love shoes, but don’t buy us shoes.  You will come home with the wrong size, or hideous hooker shoes.  A gift card for a shoe store will be just fine, thanks.

NO!  A thousand times, NO!

NO! A thousand times, NO!

6.  Putting your dirty clothes INTO the hamper, instead of on the bathroom floor, or the bedroom floor NEXT to the hamper, would really be the gift that just keeps on giving all year long.

It puts the laundry in the basket or else it gets the hose again!

It puts the laundry in the basket or else it gets the hose again!

7.  Don’t buy us an Xbox or a Wii and pretend that it’s for us.  If you simply MUST buy us electronics, how about a Kindle or a Nook?  We like to read.  Books.  So that would be a welcome gift.  No, we don’t care what kind of great bundle package they’re offering with the X-box.  We’d rather read about far-off places than kill aliens.

8.  Maid service.  ‘Nuff said.

No, not this kind of maid, Jack.  This will do the opposite of making us happy.

No, not this kind of maid, Jack. This will do the opposite of making us happy.

9.  We would all appreciate a nice, relaxing weekend at a hotel.  But not with you, significant other.  Alone.  100%, honest-to-goodness ALONE time.  It’s not enough for you to just do some extra chores at home, or agree to watch the kid(s) all weekend because we always see the extra things that need to get done.  We just can’t shut off our brain that easily, so actually being away from the house is a great way to unwind a little.  No, we won’t get lonely, I promise.

10.  We would LOVE a professional massage.  No, not a massage from you, which you consider to be foreplay, but a real, legitimate professional massage.  In case we don’t get that weekend away, at least we will be relaxed and loosened up enough to get back into the housework game.

Alright, men.  Don’t wait until the last minute.  Print this handy list and get busy getting us something we would really, really enjoy.  This is your chance to come out looking like a hero.  And you know what that means, right?   Well you should.  Bonnie Tyler wrote a whole song about it.

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About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

15 responses »

  1. Yes to every single one! Especially the hamper one! HA HA!

    Reply
  2. I love every single thing about this list.
    PERFECT!

    Reply
  3. A weekend ALONE? Wow. I can’t imagine even suggesting this to my hubby. He would get his feelings hurt for sure. I could only dream.

    Reply
  4. LMAO, my favorite part: “It puts the laundry in the basket or else it gets the hose again!” GAWD that’s a funny movie.

    XOXO

    Reply
  5. I may pass this along. Excellent tips!!! You are so in my head!

    Reply
  6. *running off to get poster size copies made* 😀

    Reply
  7. I just read through this whole list and pretty much I’m the perfect husband. I’m retiring while I’m on top. Heh…on top…heh.

    Reply
  8. This list is PERFECT! Great job!

    Reply
  9. LMAO this is perfect! Sadly, my husband has thought that Doritos was a side dish to chicken nuggets.

    Reply
  10. Love, love, love this!

    Reply
  11. Sadly, I thought Doritos were a perfect side dish but that is just a sad testament to my cooking skills… Aside from that, LOVE this list! Want the “good” maid service – perhaps a butler type service would be in order instead. Is George Clooney available? But I digress. Your brilliance surpasses last year’s “post of the year” on what not to get (!) and is being passed to the hubs! Just call yourself a lifesaver woman – how many husbands do you think you have saved with this post? Add another one because surely mine would be dead without this in his pocket when he makes the usual mall trek on December 24…

    Reply
  12. Ha ha fuck that! kitchen calling, saying to clean it! I’m latino hunny how we role.

    Reply

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