Although I’ve not had much time for visiting blogs lately, every once in a while I stumble upon a new one (new to me) that really grabs me. The other day I found Schmutzie.
This lady is talented. Seriously. But I didn’t want to write about her site in general. There is a specific post from last year, with a video of her speaking at a TEDx event.
Here’s the link to the post with the video. It’s nineteen minutes long, and worth it. It’s about self doubt and all the things that stand in your way of being and doing what makes you happy.
She talks about working in a beige cubicle and feeling more and more weighted down every single day by feeling like she wasn’t happy or fulfilled. She wasn’t a person who DID THINGS. It really resonated with me because, well, take a look:
My beige cubicle floats atop a sea of beige carpet, enveloped by a horizon of beige walls.
I call it the Beige Mile.
For my own sanity, I’ve created my own artificial window to the world by cutting out my favorite calendar pictures from past years.
I thought about how soul-sucking my beige prison feels to me. The self-doubt keeping me here is strongly woven: too old to go back to school and do something else, can’t afford to go back to school, no TIME to go back to school. But most importantly, I have never, and still don’t, know what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Commitment issues, maybe?
I’ve got a family to support, you know. I can’t just up and quit and read tarot cards for a living.
And still, the wish to look back someday and say “I DID THINGS” niggles at my mind, unfulfilled.
It’s not easy to break down those self-built barriers. It takes time.
But at least I’m aware now that they are there. I can make a commitment to exploring them and challenging them. It may not free me from my beige prison today, but there’s hope for the future.
But more importantly? I can do everything in my power to teach my son to take risks, to believe in himself, to not let his own self doubt get in his way of doing things that make him happy.
If I can pull that off, I’ll happily serve my time in the beige prison a while longer.