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Poop

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Sweet, sweet Gwyneth.

Sometimes I can’t help myself, and I pop over to her site, Goop, just to see what that saucy little minx is cooking up.

As always, I can never relate to what she’s doing, seeing, cooking, or selling.  Our lives are as different as they can possibly be, separated by more than big money and a rock star husband.  I wondered, what would her site look like if she was a parent to an autistic child?

First off, she’d probably have to name her site “Poop”, instead of “Goop”.

The recipes alone would be vastly different, since many autistic kids are such picky eaters.

On Gwyneth’s Goop site:

Duck “cassoulet”

“I first had duck confit with my dad on a trip to Paris at a place called Josephine Chez Dumonet. I never realized how delicious, tender, and yet crispy duck could be. When I discovered cassoulet (in which duck confit is the star) I was transported. When I stopped eating pork and red meat, I couldn’t indulge in it anymore, so I set out to make my own. This pork-free version is rich and deeply flavored—a great one-pot weekend supper.”

On Gwyneth’s Poop site:

“Since my son will only eat “triangle pizza”, I’m careful not to buy any frozen brand of pizza shaped as a square.  Although he’d prefer plain cheese, he will begrudgingly accept pepperoni pizza by picking off each and every piece of pepperoni and flinging them onto my plate, like greasy, salted bits of torn paper.”

On Gwyneth’s Goop site:

Slow-Bake Kale Chips

“I am a real snacker. Most days I don’t sit down to a real full meal until dinnertime. Lately I have been trying to improve the quality of my snacks so that they are packed with real nutrition. It’s no good to grab a handful of chips, so we have devised these super easy, healthy small bites.   We love kale chips, which are as satisfying as potato chips but much better for you. This recipe takes it slow, cooking it at a low temp for longer to get an evenly baked chip.”

On Gwyneth’s Poop site:

“Since you have to introduce a food many, many times for a child to begin eating it, I, once again, put a tiny head of broccoli, the size of my pinky nail, on my son’s dinner plate last night.  After arguing about eating it for 10 minutes, he begrudgingly rolled it through high-fructose corn syrup-free ketchup, put it in his mouth, then downed his entire glass of milk to swallow it whole.”

Another thing that would change would be the clothing that Gwinny recommends.

On Goop:

“This is one of our favorite trends, bringing punk into our daily wardrobe with leather pants and jackets and studded accessories.”

And the jacket is a STEAL at $1,995.

And the jacket is a STEAL at $1,995.

On Poop:

“Target has yoga pants on sale for $13.99, so stock up on a pair in every color.”

Limber like a little monkey.

Limber like a little monkey.

Let’s not forget about vacations.  You remember what those are, don’t you?  If not, you can read what Gwenny from the Block has to say:

Goop:

Inspired by Couture Week, which just ended, and all the very au courant and spontaneous things to see in Paris these days, we decided to explore everything temporary, finite and in motion right now in The City of Light.”

Poop:

“We’ll be spending every day of vacation at the very au courant bounce house, since that’s the only thing that doesn’t trigger a full-scale MEP (meltdown of epic proportions).  Stop by and  say hello – I’ll be the one in yoga pants.”

I want to like her, really I do (No, I don’t. I have better things to do).  But she is just so hopelessly out-of-touch with reality, she’s making it SO hard.  Maybe Gwyneth will read this and gain a new appreciation for the plight of special needs parents.  Maybe she will be so moved that she will offer to take Connor for a week.  She can try and feed him kale chips and dress him in little motorcycle jackets, while hubs and I traipse around Paris, solo.

Yeah, I doubt it too.

Besides, we’d rather just sleep for a week.  I’m sure Gwyneth will be able to relate, after the week is up.

 

edit:  Thanks to everyone who commented and shared this post.  It’s officially the most popular post ever on this blog.  If you enjoyed it, you can click here to give it a vote for BlogHer voice of the year, in the humor category (it only takes a second!).  Thank you!

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About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

42 responses »

  1. I heart this. SO MUCH.

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  2. ROFL! OH my goodness you need to start a POOP site! I’m going to be laughing at this the rest of the day. I’ve actually secretly gone over there and checked it out to see how the thin rich and famous 5th level vegans live. On one level I hate her but on another I just can’t help but laugh at her.

    Reply
  3. This post is hilarious and gave me a much needed belly laugh. Thank you!

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  4. Snigger

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  5. This made my day …

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  6. I ❤ you!!!

    Yoga pants are international – they're made in Indonesia, right? And you can still get chicken triangle pizza and peel off those chicken slices (it's nearly duck!) And I so have a 19.95 red jacket somewhere…. I'm pretty sure, Gwyneth and us – we're nearly identical, deep, deep down…

    Reply
  7. That woman annoys the ever-loving shit out of me. There, I said it.

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  8. This is hilarious. I don’t want to like her either, it’s just so easy not to.

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  9. This really needed to be said. That site is such a joke anyway– where everything reeks of being little more than thinly disguised sponsored posts for high-end goods and services. I hope to see more Poop installments soon!

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  10. This by far is my absolute favorite post of yours! I am crying at my desk.

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  11. You know how much I luvs you?
    The same amount that I absolutely can’t stand that twit, Gwinnie.
    I think your site “Poop” would definitely be more poopular. You should get right on that!

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  12. She does get to kiss Robert Downey Jr. I guess we all should be so lucky…

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  13. This is beyond awesomesauce.

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  14. Friggin funny!!!!

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  15. I find it interesting that all of the shopping links on her style page you linked to are affiliate links but nowhere on the site (that I could find) discloses that they use affiliate links. Seems like she doesn’t have to go by the same rules we all have to go by.

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  16. I have never read her blog. Still haven’t. Except for what you referenced above. Sounds like she is out of touch with reality of every parent, not just special needs parents. So I’m calling dibs on the week of vacation first. She can switch places with me and live my normal middle class parent lifestyle while I take her trip to Paris. Then we’ll move her up to your house. We want to break her into reality with baby steps. Right? Ah hell with it. I’ll meet you in Paris! She can have both of our kids at once. Now that’s reality!

    By the way, I tried to order that jacket, but it doesn’t come in plus sizes. Guess I’ll need to carelessly spend that imaginary extra $2000 I have lying around on something else. I don’t know… Bills, car repairs, medical expenses, college fund, or maybe just a new purse. Yes, yes indeed. A new purse. Why not!

    Thanks for the mockery. It gave me a good laugh. Besides, anyone with a child named after a fruit highly deserves it.

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  17. She is so NOT classy. She is SO not smart. She is SO out of touch with what reality is. I am glad your stomach can take her site, but I am so glad you wrote this!!! Yep, I’d like to see her take on autism. I’ll bet she could give ole Jenny a run for her money 🙂

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  18. Bless her heart. Her site is so oblivious to the real world, it makes my skin crawl and I see double. “Poop” magazine would sell a million times better than “Goop.”

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  19. allison burgueno

    Thank you. So funny/ She’s entirely out of touch. Although I make kale chips (my kids HATED them), eat duck confit – kids LOVED this complete with Krazy Ketchup, and every once in a while I wear designer clothes so that thy can get puked on or the children can spill butter on them; I found your versions hilarious.

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  20. This one time I found a ‘Christian Dior’ shirt in the garbage bag of clothes that they were going to throw away at the thrift store.

    Perhaps if I don that used to be high-dollar shirt with my yoga pants, while claiming the gross green stain is from homemade kale chips, I too can be Gloopy???

    And–aha!!–since my autistic brother got a poop stain on my shoe, I’ll also fit in with the Poopy crowd! Man, I’m classy and cool!!

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  21. Yea, the part about broccoli (or peas, or beans or……) really resonates here. Tonight was going back for seconds and needing to get a different plate (because we can’t rinse the one we already used) after there is residual flavor from some other “contaminating” food!

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  22. “A handful of chips….” Bwahaha! This is fantastic!

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  23. This so made me chuckle and realize that everyday I deal with poop in some sort of fashion. Yes I can relate having an Autistic daughter brings your statements to my mind! You so need to make a sight this way we can all laugh because we all need it on a daily basis!

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  24. Since I spend the majority of my day saying “Do you need to poop?” to my ever loving chicken nugget fan. I can relate

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  25. Haha, this is exactly why Gwinnie is not my heroine and Melanie Sykes is! Dear Mel is doing a walk up Ben Nevis for autism awareness 😀

    “Poop” totally has to happen; I identify with it all – and I’m quite partial to my yoga pants 🙂

    Thank you so much for the laugh!

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  26. Okay, so I really DO want to like her. Seriously. I know everyone hates her, and that makes me feel bad for her (cue bleeding heart jokes). But, Gwennie (can I call you that?), c’mon now. Help me help you. You cannot write shit like this and expect the average bourgeois will never relate (is that spelled right? Autocorrect might not even recognize the slaughter.). Who is her market? Other celebs? Us? Her ego?

    -Kelly

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  27. This just made. my. day!!!! I LOVVVVVVVVVEEEE it!

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  28. Personally, I don’t think it’s her responsibility to “take on autisim” with her blog. She’s an actress who makes millions of dollars, so yes, a lot of us are separated by that gap. A gap that allows her to explore new foods and places that most of us can’t, because we have other responsibilities / tighter budgets. Sure, maybe you don’t relate to her, but there are plenty of people who DO relate to her. Asking someone like Gwyneth to cater to things that have little to no impact in her life is like asking a yachting magazine to do articles on the best pool floaties on the market. It doesn’t make sense.

    Instead of getting frustrated with celebs who you have trouble relating to, why not praise the people that ARE aware of special needs and DO take action?

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  29. Yeah. How dare you use satire?!

    I might not have money or a boyish figure, but I can appreciate people whose lives are so fluffy that they have absolutely no substance to them at all. It’s like cotton candy. I love cotton candy.

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  30. Brilliant! And thanks for the heads up on the Target yoga pant sale!

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  31. Holy CRAP! This was a perfect end to a day spent at Boo’s GI specialist about lack of poop. Can I go to Paris with you? Totally voted for you good luck!

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  32. I could totally hang with Gwynnie bc we have been to Paris…I mean, who hasn’t? And I am SURE her kids got to the top of the Eiffel Tower and started screaming, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, over and over. Obviously, we’d be bff’s. (also, we really aren’t that fancy. the husband is from Germany, so we drove to Paris (on his parent’s dime)).

    And triangle pizza, FTW!!!

    Reply
  33. Pingback: Doggone Weekly Wrap-Up | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

  34. I had to contain my laughter as I read this at work, thanks for that! I would love a poop website, but only if it continued to do comparisons such as these.

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  35. LOL – this just made my day! Too hilarious! While the Goop site definitely doesn’t resonate with us real world mamas, I am curious who their target demographic is and how well she resonates with them? And then … I’d love to envision them all trying to be autism parents. Maybe just for a day. That’s enough to completely overwhelm them. I’m sure of it. And if not, I offer up my Logan as a sterling sleep-over sweetheart – their perfect house will be destroyed, their hair will be uncoifed, most their clothes will be unwearable, and they’ll quickly send someone out for some real food, or at least peanut butter and bread. 😀

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  36. Haha! I just woke my kid up by laughing over this!

    Reply

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