Have I mentioned that working for the man sucks? I have? Oh, good. It saves me from having to repeat myself.
In case you thought my entire world revolved around autism, gentle reader, let me enlighten you. Only half of it does. The other half revolves around staying employed. No, it’s not my dream job. And no, I’m not personally fulfilled and my job doesn’t feed my soul. But it does feed my family, so I keep showing up.
But I hate-no, DESPISE, corporate BS.
This week, we received emails from the VP of something-or-other, requesting (passive-aggressively demanding) that we log in and complete our “career profile” by adding “core competencies.”
All those words just sound like “wanh, wanh-wanh, wanh wanh” to me. But whatev, I logged in to get the nuisance done and out of the way. Following is part of the actual list of core competencies for us to choose from. There was no option to respond or ask questions, so I’ve decided to put my responses right here, for the benefit of all of Corporate America. I’m a giver.
Humor – well DUH. Humor is my vodka and heroine. My shield and sword. Humor is the only thing that keeps me from jamming a letter opener into a major artery.
Informing – I’m informing you right now that doing this is a big fat waste of time.
Innovation Management – What the fuck does this even mean?
Integrity and Trust – There’s a dude down the hall with a very long, greasy ponytail. I’m pretty sure he might have body parts in his freezer. Trust me on that.
Intellectual Horsepower – I feel like this is discriminatory toward other animals. Lions are powerful. So are gorillas. Maybe I have intellectual gorillapower.
Interpersonal savvy – See prior statement about greasy co-worker.
Learning on the Fly – I’m an autism parent, motherfuckers. I could teach a class on learning on the fly.
Courage – See above statement.
Motivating Others – Hells yes! I’ve got sticker charts and social stories for whatever ails you. You like Transformer stickers?
Negotiating – Have you ever negotiated a child with Asperger’s and ADHD through 42 aisles of a Super Target? No? Then trust me when I say I could negotiate Kim Kardashian right out of her Manolo Blahniks.
Organizational Agility – Again, I don’t think I understand. Should I be doing some stretches to increase my agility?
Dealing with Paradox – My child cannot get his pajamas from his bedroom and put himself in the shower without multiple reminders, yet he can sit and play Skylanders for two hours and tell you every detail of each character. My life is a paradox.
Patience – That’s what drinking is for. We need to institute “Flask Fridays” so that everyone’s patience increases.
Peer Relationships – I admit it, this may be my Achilles heel. Surely the corporate goons must be aware that people pretty much suck, right?
Perseverance – This one time, I was watching Supernanny, and I got motivated to use the time out technique for my then-three-year-old. I spent over two hours repeatedly putting him back in the time-out spot, until my back went out and I had to lie down with my feet elevated. On the upside, I got some muscle relaxers from the doctor.
Personal Disclosure – Fine. Okay. Last week, when I was shaving my big toe, I nicked it right in the bend-y part, the joint. It wasn’t until I was walking into work, in my sandals, that I realized it was still bleeding. That’s all I’m going to disclose at this time.
Ironically, there were many more categories than this, many of which related to how we relate to co-workers. A corporation that spends that much time dehumanizing us with their corporate, mumbo-jumbo word trickery, and they want to know how we relate to others? What I’d like to know, Joe Q. Corporation, is how do YOU relate to YOUR workers?
Such is life in corporate America, where we measure our performance in terms of “horsepower” and “courage”. But if you’re listening, CEOs, I want you to know that, much like special needs parenting, a more personal and individualized approach would go much, much further in building a happy and productive workforce. You can file that under “innovation management.”