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Douchebag Kids

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I get it. School’s out, it’s summertime, and the world is your oyster. Really, I’m not so old that I don’t remember the feeling of summer invincibility. But for me, that meant sleeping in as late as I wanted, watching MTV all day (back when they actually ran music videos), and lazing about the pool until I was completely waterlogged.

It never occurred to me to go around painting on car windows. But if it had, I would have been so much better at it than you little punks in my neighborhood.  See, this crap that you wrote on my husband’s car in front of my house? That’s the kind of thing you’ll think about in the years ahead, and you’ll feel like an ass.

Today's youth - not so good with the words.

Today’s youth – not so good with the words.

You’ll feel like an ass because you’ll realize that to degrade an entire group of people that way is to follow in the footsteps of Nazis and slave traders. Maybe you’ll realize that people have been murdered because of their biology. You’ll probably feel ashamed of yourself, as you should.

Perhaps you were striving for humor. Suffice it to say you missed the mark by a long shot. So let me go ahead and help you out, and give you a list of things you could have written on the window, that would have actually been funny, rather than a term rooted in hate.

1.  Justin Bieber’s Dad

2.  Stand back, I’ve got gas.

3.  I wish my wife was this dirty.

4.  I brake for Rocky Mountain Oysters

5.  Cockles and muscles for sale (the misspelling makes this extra funny)

6.  Has skid marks INSIDE the car

7.  I brake for fish tacos.

8.  Touch my monkey (draw picture of monkey)

Monkeys are always funny.

Monkeys are always funny.

9.  I’m Rick James, bitch!

10.  One hand on wheel, the other in his pants.

All you need is a little imagination if you want to write something funny that doesn’t marginalize and insult a whole group of people. And I’d rather explain any of these to my 8-year-old, rather than what you wrote. See, he’s still so young, and I’m not ready to forever change his innocent world by letting him know that such ignorance and hatred exist. It will happen soon enough, but not yet.

In short:


And while you’re at it, tell your parents to stop being homophobes, because surely you learned that behavior from them.


About Flannery

Kid, husband, dogs, my mother, full-time job, maximum stress, minimal relaxation...sooner or later I had to vent. AND we moved from California to Texas. I could start a whole other blog about that.

11 responses »

  1. I love the Rick James reference. That there is gold.

  2. I’m writing #3 on my car during lunch!

  3. Uggghhhh… have got to be kidding me. What the heck is wrong with some people?!?

  4. Huh. If I knew who it was someone’s bicycle would disappear.

  5. Really? I mean REALLY? Let’s just go back to the days of toilet papering peoples’ houses… or a good old random egging. *Sigh*


  7. kids can be ass wipes….and their parents should be ashamed.

  8. I really enjoy your blog and nominated you for a lovely blog award. You can find all the info on my latest post.

  9. I love #3, but would have to change “wife” to “husband”…. LOL


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