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Things I Learned Over My Thanksgiving Holiday

Four luxurious days off with the famdamily provides many, many learning experiences.  Here are my most treasured highlights:

1.  45 minutes is not enough time for a picky eater to finish 2-ounces of turkey, a spoonful of stuffing, and a small portion of green beans.  45-seconds is ample time, however, to stuff a buttered dinner biscuit into his mouth and swallow it almost without chewing.

2.  Chocolate silk pie from Marie Calendar’s does not really taste like silk.  It tastes more like a concoction that contains an entire bottle of Hershey’s syrup, and will make you sick.  Unless you’re six-years-0ld, and you will consume almost anything with whipped cream on top.

You'll be sorry, I promise you.

3.  A 35-pound dingo will try to take a turkey leg right out of a grown man’s hand.  The dingo will lose.  Then the dingo will be sentenced to solitary confinement for the rest of the night.

4.  A child will not hear you say “wash your hands” 173 times over four days.  But the one time in four days that you say “son of a bitch”, he will hear that and promptly ask you what a bitch is.

Wash those disgusting things!

5.  Nothing infuses a child with joy and exhilaration like Xmas decorations.  A child will become so moved by the sight, that they will run to the back door (with absolutely no warning whatsoever), throw it open, and shout to the world, “Merry Xmas EVERYONE!”

6.  The very same husband who laments the commercialism and corporate greed of the holidays all through October will be the one that views the Xmas tree with a critical eye, and then will say, with a completely serious face that “it needs more sparkle, don’t we have more sparkle?”  He will also wrap twinkle lights around every bush and tree in the front yard.

My husband.

7.  One cannot see the Lord of the Rings movies enough, judging by the fact that they were playing on a continuous 48-hour loop on one of the cable channels, and each night we would happily sit down and watch whichever one was on.

What's not to love?

8.  Frodo was a pussy.  The real hero was Samwise Gamgee.

Stupid pussy, almost fucked it up for everyone.

9.  There is such a thing as too much pumpkin pie.

10.  Taking your six-year-old downtown to hand out sandwiches to homeless people sounds good in theory, but in practice it means that he will ask random yuppie joggers and scruffy college students if they need a sandwich.  He will spend the rest of the time complaining about being bored and asking repetitively if he can have one of the sandwiches because he is soooooo hungry.

I hope you all had a pleasant, stress-free Thanksgiving!!

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